Dear Dr. Chani,

I heard that the first year of marriage can be a very big adjustment so I had low expectations. Yet I was not prepared for how frustrated I would feel from day-to-day interactions with my husband, Tani. I am wondering if our personalities are a total mismatch and our marriage is doomed from the start.

When we were dating, one of the first qualities that attracted me to Tani was his chilled, laid-back nature. He was so easy to get along with, so comfortable to talk to, so calm. I come from a family where people tend to be very tense and high-strung so this was a refreshingly new experience for me. I immediately felt relaxed and happy when I was with Tani. I told myself that unless unexpected major red flags arose, we would surely get engaged.

It took less than a month for Tani to propose to me and we had a blissful engagement. We were floating on clouds through our wedding and up until the first few weeks of our marriage. Then our relationship began to fall apart.

It began with little things like Tani being messy, disorganized, and having poor time management. I am a very organized and responsible person and it was hard to live with someone as absent-minded as Tani. The mess never seems to bother him. He also tends to come home late and to prepare for events at the last minute.

I began to think of Tani as a very lazy person. Once I saw him in this new light, everything changed between us. I found that I could not have as much respect for him as I had up until that point. I think Tani felt the shift in my perspective because he began to avoid me. He started coming home later on a regular basis and found things to be busy with when we were home together.

I am not sure if we are incompatible or if it is worth it to try to work things out between the two of us. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Shifra

Dear Shifra,

It sounds like your introduction to marriage has been quite disillusioning. As you began to live together with Tani you noticed things about his personality that were very bothersome to you. These annoyances have piled up to the point that you are wondering if you made the right decision to marry Tani. Before you call your relationship quits, let’s explore what might have led you down this path and what you can do about it.

One of the interesting aspects of your description of the dramatic reversal in your feelings towards Tani is that the very core personality trait that attracted you to him in the first place seems to be at the center of the behaviors that are aggravating you. Although it might sound like his behaviors are separate and unrelated, Tani’s absent-mindedness and messiness may all stem from a relaxed, chilled attitude. Tani does not get bothered by things being out of place or when there are changes to his schedule. He seems to “go with the flow.”

It might be helpful to ask yourself, “If these behaviors are coming from my husband’s core personality, which is the very thing that attracted me to him in the first place, then how can they be frustrating me so much right now?”

It could be that while you were dating and engaged, you were more forgiving of Tani’s behaviors because you were excited to move forward and develop your relationship. You may have allowed yourself to ignore the times when his personality might have bothered you. Yet now that you are in a committed, long-term relationship, you are focusing more on the details of all aspects of Tani’s personality and you have become more sensitized to what frustrates you.

Another reason why Tani’s behaviors may have begun to bother you is because now that you are married, you are living with one another. You are sharing the same space, navigating a shared schedule, and making joint decisions. This change in dynamic can make you more aware of Tani’s tendencies that were not manifested in your relationship until now.

Based on what you described, it sounds like you have enjoyed a healthy and strong relationship with Tani up until his behaviors began to frustrate you. Your situation is not uncommon and it does not mean that your personalities are inherently incompatible or that you should consider ending your relationship. To the contrary, it is very normal to feel the way you do.

It is common for someone’s core character trait to have positive and negative sides to it. For example, in your situation, Tani’s relaxed and laid-back nature makes him easy to get along with and helps you feel calm. At the same time, that very same character trait is why he has a tendency to let things go—even things like cleaning up or sticking to a schedule. Recognizing that the very trait that frustrates you is also the very same trait that you adore can help you appreciate Tani and be more patient and understanding of his behaviors that bother you.

It is also helpful to avoid labeling Tani with negative personality traits when you get frustrated with his actions. You used to appreciate and respect Tani for being easygoing. Yet now that you have undergone a paradigm shift; you have allowed yourself to categorize Tani as “a lazy person.” This is damaging to your relationship. Tani can sense when your perception of him changes. Certainly he will be affected when you criticize his actions, but even if you only think that he is lazy—and you do not say anything—he will still sense the shift in your attitude through your nonverbal communication. It is, therefore, understandable that you have an impression that Tani has already started to avoid being with you.

You can reverse this dynamic and repair your relationship by focusing on and complimenting Tani for his positive qualities and by allowing yourself to overlook his behaviors that bother you. Each time you encounter a situation with Tani where you feel frustrated, tell yourself, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” If you let go of your resentment for his behavior right away, it will not build up within you to the point that it changes your perception of who Tani is. Adopting this approach can help you remain positive and patient throughout your marriage.

You may be wondering, “But how can I help Tani work on improving his annoying behaviors to make things easier between us?” It is important for you to speak to Tani and let him know what behavior you would like him to adjust. It is healthy for a couple to give each other feedback so that they can grow as people and as a couple. Yet, in order to give feedback properly, it is essential that you be less emotionally triggered and frustrated by Tani’s behaviors. This way, it will be easier for you to calmly communicate, once in a while, with Tani about what you would like him to work on.

As you work on letting things go and maintaining a positive perception of Tani’s character, you will likely feel less frustrated. This will help you to feel closer to Tani and enable you to have productive conversations with him about how he can do things differently to make things easier for you. Give it time for you to notice a significant change in your relationship dynamic and in Tani’s behaviors. People do not change overnight. Like fine wine, with the right conditions and care, your relationship can become richer and more enjoyable over time.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

New:Be Your Best Self—Sign up for Dr. Chani’s weekly e-newsletter at chanimaybruch.com to invest in yourself and your relationships.

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.