Dear Dr. Chani,

As a proud father of five, I have had the privilege of watching my children all grow up. At this point, most of our children have moved on to build families of their own, and our youngest is poised to leave our home to dorm at college next year. As I approach this next chapter of life as an empty nester, I feel a sense of dread about my wife and I being alone at home together.

It’s not as bad as I make it out to be. My wife and I get along well and our home runs smoothly. Overall, I would describe our marriage as pretty good.

Yet, I have noticed a pattern. When we are on our own, my wife and I tend to discuss topics that center around taking care of our family and our home. Over the many years of our marriage, our children have taken up a lot of our physical and emotional energy. I think our “coupleness” may have faded a bit as we focused on raising our family. Sometimes I feel a bit at a loss about making conversation with my wife. I am afraid that once our last child leaves the house, we will not have much to talk about.

When I try to imagine what life will be like living at home with just my wife, part of me looks forward to the peace and quiet. I would love to be able to rekindle our relationship and enjoy growing old together as a couple. How can I get our relationship on track so that I can anticipate this next milestone in our lives?

Sincerely,
Ilan

Dear Ilan,

Transitioning to this next chapter of your life as an empty nester is a significant milestone that can come along with a feeling of uncertainty. You and your wife have navigated the parenting years as a team and have become accustomed to your life revolving around your children. The departure of your youngest child marks the end of an era centered around parenting and opens the door to a new chapter of rediscovery and growth within your marriage. While it’s natural to feel apprehensive about the prospect of being alone at home with your spouse after so many years of living with a full house, it’s also an opportunity to rekindle the bond that brought you together in the first place. Let’s explore how you can approach this next stage together with confidence and joy.

First, I encourage you to share your feelings about the future with your wife. Opening up about your emotions and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your wife can help you to feel a deep connection to one another. Expressing your hopes and fears about being empty nesters can be the first step to taking your relationship to the next level. Allow your wife to see and understand what you are feeling. This itself can help foster the emotional connection that you sound like you are looking for. In those conversations, also ask your wife how she is feeling. Listening to her share her feelings and empathizing with her can likewise connect you to each other. You may be surprised, and relieved, to discover that your wife shares some of your feelings. At the same time, she may also have her own unique perspective.

Take the time to understand each other’s thoughts, feelings and point of view. Talking about your relationship can help you establish a new pattern for your conversations and pave the way for a renewed sense of partnership.

Aside from your feelings about your upcoming empty nest, there is so much more that you can discover about your spouse. Even though you have been married for many years, there is always something new that you can share with each other. Try to initiate conversations where you can describe your goals and dreams for the future, as well as reflections on your past life experiences. Talking about personal topics can lead you to develop a deeper understanding of one another and draw you closer together.

Another practice that can help you reconnect with your wife is to focus on appreciating more each day. Throughout your many years together, as you became familiar with your spouse, it might have caused you to take your wife for granted on some level. One way to counteract this is to find something new each day that you can appreciate about your wife. You may notice a new aspect of her personality or feel gratitude for something she did that day. Just thinking about a specific quality or act that you appreciate about her can help you to grow your connection to your wife. Taking this a step further, try expressing your appreciation and gratitude by complimenting your wife each day.

Another way to strengthen your bond is to find activities that reflect your shared interests. As a head start, try to think back to the activities you both enjoyed before becoming parents. You can also explore new hobbies that pique both your interests. Engaging in these shared enjoyable experiences can help you reconnect on a deeper level and create new memories that are uniquely yours as a couple. Whether it’s cooking, gardening or traveling, finding common ground outside of family responsibilities can help you to reignite the spark in your relationship.

Another effective strategy to maintain and enhance your emotional connection is to schedule regular dates to go out and spend time together. These moments of togetherness, whether simple or elaborate, can provide a break from routine and allow you to focus on each other. Going out to eat, taking a scenic walk or playing a game together can help you rekindle your connection and foster a sense of intimacy.

Depending on how you feel and how your efforts to rekindle your relationship go, you may consider seeking the guidance of a couples therapist. A professional can help you and your wife have more of these types of conversations with each other, provide valuable insights and strategies to help you navigate this transition, and address any underlying issues that may arise. Therapy can also offer a safe space for each of you to express your feelings and to work toward a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Committing to revitalizing your relationship and applying these ideas can go a long way toward easing your way into this empty nest stage of life. I hope that you maximize this opportunity and enjoy your journey to reigniting the spark that brought you together in the first place.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.