Dear Navidaters, our daughter has always been an independent spirit who has to do things her own way. She has a problem “following the pack,” and almost needs to make a statement very often to prove her independence. Growing up, if all her friends had long hair, she insisted on cutting hers short. If everyone was attending a specific camp for the summer, she was the one who had to try out the new camp—it seems, almost to be different.
We never had much of a problem with her need to set herself apart. We understand that some people are just wired that way and need to find their own way in life, independent of what the group is doing. We supported her individuality and her ability to think for herself, rather than just follow everyone else’s ideas of what’s appropriate. And we even at times applauded her confidence that enabled her to do things her way.
But now we’re having a situation that we’re having a problem supporting. Even from the time before Sarah decided it was time to start dating, she always had very strong feelings about the whole “resume thing.” She found it absurd, argued that it said nothing about the real person, and felt it was a silly trend that has gained traction over the years, and no one has bothered questioning why it has become a given these days.
Yes, she’ll admit that one would like to know the types of schools and camps a person attended to get a sense of where they are holding, but she felt much of it was silly and almost demeaning. Her feeling is that no resume will ever tell her what a person is truly about and she doesn’t want anyone judging her based on a piece of paper.
Now that she wants to start dating, she absolutely refuses to put together a resume. It’s almost become her “cause.” As we’re trying to arrange dates for her, of course the first thing everyone asks for is her resume and we have nothing to give them. We’re hitting a wall and Sarah refuses to cave in and allow us to create our own resume, just to get the ball rolling.
She is stubborn and has dug in her heels on this. We believe she is hurting herself very badly and will pay a price. Sarah believes that she has to stick to her guns on this one.
What do we do?!?!
The Navidaters respond:
Life is often “easier” for rule-following children and their parents. Some children seem to go with the flow, and do not question rules or authority. Girls are wearing their hair long? Great! I love long hair! Time to write a shidduch resume? I don’t really agree with it, but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. It’s not a big deal. Yet, other children have to find their own way. Independent-minded children and adults question the rules. They especially question or buck when the rules seem flawed. Parents of strong-minded individuals often wish life could be easier for their child or that they could somehow protect their child from the hardships their individuality often creates. While you support Sarah, you know that this quality of hers may make dating more challenging.
Sarah has always done things her way, and it looks like dating will not be any different. And while I can certainly understand how her actions and decisions can be interpreted as “stubborn,” I encourage you to reframe viewing her as “digging in her heels” into someone who “thinks outside the box” and cannot conform to a societal norm that can be painful and hurtful to many people.
Based on your description of Sarah, my guess is that pushing the issue too hard may only further motivate Sarah to date without a resume. There’s not much to do other than support her decision. Doing otherwise may alienate her. Keep communication open and check in with her every so often. Instead of telling this independent woman what to do, you can explore what her process will look like. You can get a sense of her plan and if at any point she would consider going the resume route should the old-fashioned way not be working to her advantage.
It seems like you and your husband have done a wonderful job of supporting Sarah’s individuality. Many parents would have tried to place her into that box, placing societal values and their own personal needs above their child. Try to view this time just like Sarah’s hairstyle. She usually figures it out for herself and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. Let her know that you are supporting her and will be there for her every step of the way. Hopefully, she will meet someone this way, as a good number of people still do. If the old-fashioned way is not working, hopefully through the open communication and support you will have established, Sarah will feel comfortable approaching you should she need to veer off course. Actively think about and visualize Sarah in your own mind as a very capable, creative and successful young woman who will meet her bashert in the way she sees fit. Being that she has just started dating, I think you have some time to relax and allow Sarah the space to do this her way. See where it takes her. If in six months to one year you notice that she is not going out on dates, you will be able to reevaluate as a collaborative team. Best of luck.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
By Jennifer Mann
Esther Mann, LCSW, and Jennifer Mann, LCSW, are licensed, clinical psychotherapists and dating and relationship coaches working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, New York. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779. Press 1 for Esther, 2 for Jennifer. To learn more about their services, please visit thenavidaters.com. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question anonymously, please email [email protected]. You can follow The Navidaters on Facebook and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
