Dear Dr. Chani,

My best friend from high school recently became engaged to my brother. When someone first suggested the idea that they meet, I did not think that it would work, but I decided to go with the flow. Surprisingly, they connected right away and, within a short time, became engaged. I am filled with mixed emotions and concerns. Needless to say, I am going through a really hard time right now and worried about the future. As I try to sort through my emotions, there are several concerns that keep coming up for me.

One of my fears is that my best friend will be upset with me when she finds out things about my brother that I did not tell her. My brother is attractive, charismatic, fun, smart and good-natured. I can definitely see why my best friend would fall for him right away. Yet, I know that, in the past, my brother was not as religious and serious. He did some things that he is not proud of. I am in an uncomfortable situation since my friend never bothered to ask me about my brother’s history. She simply asked what I thought, and I said, “I don’t see it.” Then, when she decided that she liked him, she never once looked back to ask me again.

What is my obligation to my friend and to my brother? I feel torn between my two loyalties.

Sometimes I think that when my friend inevitably finds out what my brother’s background was, she will resent me for not letting her know earlier. I imagine to myself that I will calmly respond, “Look, you never asked me for details, and I thought you were prepared to accept him as he is.” I don’t know how she would react to this, but my guess is that she would be upset. This is what runs through my mind when I think of my allegiance to my friend.

Yet, the other side of me feels that it is not fair to my brother to disclose personal information about him to a girl he is dating, that only I, as a sister, would know. That would be giving my brother an unfair disadvantage. I feel that what happens in a family should stay in the family. I am leaving it up to my brother to be real with my friend and let her know about his personal history.

Another fear that I have about the upcoming marriage is that I will no longer be able to share my personal experiences and thoughts with my best friend. I am not sure if I would have felt this way if she were marrying someone else. I know that sometimes spouses have a difficult time keeping secrets from one another. I may have been worried to have my life details shared with a friend’s husband regardless of who it is. Yet now that my best friend is marrying my brother, it makes matters even worse! My brother and I are not the same type. I do not trust him to know about my personal life, such as my dating sagas, hopes, and dreams.

Last but not least, I dread that my best friend will not have as much time for me. I know it’s a cliche to worry that you are losing your friend when she gets married, but I still feel that way. Knowing that the husband who is “stealing” her and monopolizing her time is my own brother somehow makes it even worse. I think that if my friend married someone else, I would be able to take a step back from our relationship and keep my distance so that the change would not hurt as much. Yet, since she is marrying my brother, their life experiences and time together will be right in front of me and hard to ignore. I am already beginning to feel the sting of jealousy towards my brother.

What are your suggestions for sorting through my feelings and holding on to my relationships with my best friend and my brother?

Sincerely,
Sidelined

Dear Sidelined,

Having a best friend or a sibling get married comes along with a lot of changes to your relationship with each of them. This is even more likely when your best friend is marrying your brother. Even though you already know your future sister-in-law really well—which has its benefits—there is an added dimension of complexity to the change in family dynamic you are about to undergo. Therefore, it makes sense that you are feeling mixed emotions. Let’s explore each one of your concerns.

Your first two concerns seem to be linked. You expressed a fear that your friend will resent that you did not reveal to her your brother’s personal history. You also lamented how you will no longer feel comfortable about sharing your own personal thoughts and feelings with your friend. The root of these concerns is an issue of trust. It sounds like you have a close relationship with your friend, and you are used to sharing personal and vulnerable information with her. Now that she is marrying your brother, on the one hand you worry that she will fault you for not sharing enough, thereby betraying her trust, and, on the other hand, you worry that she will betray your trust by sharing your private information with your brother.

It might help you to think about why you are concerned about the trust in your relationship. Could it be that you and your friend have had a trust issue in the past? Do you feel that she may have broken your trust by dating your brother even though you gave her your opinion that “you didn’t see it?” These are some questions to consider as you sort through your emotions.

One way to approach your concern about letting your friend know about your brother’s past is to ask your brother to reveal it to her himself. It is even better if he shares this vulnerable information with her on his own, since it can build trust between them. This will allow you to feel you have done your duty without undermining any loyalties.

When it comes to trusting your friend with your personal information, you can have a conversation with her and let her know how you feel. You could say, “I value our friendship and need to trust that what I share with you stays between us.” Give your friend the chance to reassure you. Hopefully, she will understand your perspective and take care to respect your privacy. You may decide to take a leap of faith and trust your friend, and see how you feel as time goes on.

Finally, it is normal to feel a sense of loss about the fact that your friend will not have as much time for you once she gets married. Your friend’s commitment to her husband will likely change your dynamic, but this does not have to hurt your friendship. Try to work on transforming your jealousy into acceptance. Even though your friend will likely be less available, you can ask her to set aside quality time just for the two of you. Scheduling consistent one-on-one time with her can help you maintain your connection.

Aside from spending time with your friend, you can also view her marriage as an opportunity to form a closer bond with your brother. If you choose to embrace the new dynamic, you may find that you not only strengthen your relationship with your friend, but you gain an added aspect to your relationship with your brother as well.

Keep in mind that it’s OK to feel unsettled as you navigate this new dynamic. It may take time to process your feelings, understand where they are coming from, and develop ways to deal with them. Having open communication, setting boundaries, and focusing on the positive aspects of your situation can help you navigate this transition more smoothly.

Ultimately, it would be ideal if you could express your love and care for both your friend and brother, and let them know that you are happy for them. By having open communication and expressing positive feelings towards this change, you’ll be better positioned to maintain strong and healthy relationships with both. The way you handle the changes in dynamics with your relationships can lead to your own personal growth and stronger bonds with both your friend and your brother in the long run.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.