In my over 15 years of experience as a psychologist, I have seen countless examples of how therapy can be the catalyst to life’s next chapter. The process is often initiated in the darkest of times. Rachel was a married woman in her 40s with two children. When I asked how I could help her, she explained that she was struggling with her adolescent daughter. She described that her daughter was engaging in concerning and risky behaviors, and she was at a loss as to how to help her daughter make better decisions. When her children were younger, Rachel had strict rules that were followed. Now that her daughter was a teenager, this approach was no longer effective. She started by asking for parenting guidance. However, as she continued to share, it was clear that Rachel’s disappointment with her daughter was only the surface of her generalized discontent. She enjoyed her work but it was often overwhelming and not sufficiently lucrative. Her husband, though stable and a good provider, was not a partner and did not meet her emotional needs. She loved her children but felt as if she was drowning in their constant claim on her personhood. She felt invisible in her community and burdened by social responsibilities.
As treatment progressed, a clear theme emerged. Rachel’s desire to be seen and heard was at odds with a nagging and pressing need to please. She struggled to say no, avoided conflict and then spent hours yelling, in her head, about all the ways that she had been mistreated. She described herself as a victim of situations that she continuously chose. She did not see herself as empowered to change her circumstances. Rachel was deeply resentful.
Rachel spoke about her childhood. She described a comfortable household and two parents who took care of her basic needs. She lived in a beautiful house and went on lavish vacations that were the envy of her peers. Despite the physical comfort of this lifestyle, Rachel never felt as though her parents prioritized her needs. Her father was a difficult man and her mother’s perceived primary responsibility was supporting his happiness. Sometimes through words but also through subtler messaging, her mother made it clear that Rachel needed to take up less space so that her mother could manage her father’s prickly temperament. At home, she perfected her ability to “leave no trace.” Outside, she did the opposite. She acted in ways to make sure that she was always seen or needed. Rachel sought out relationships and opportunities that filled her cup, sometimes in healthy ways but more frequently in a manner that left her disappointed, hurt or exhausted.
The famous quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” often attributed to Albert Einstein, may intuitively seem true, but it has been my experience that more often than not, we avoid the self-reflection that is necessary to create meaningful change. It is so much easier and more comfortable to project onto others our expectations with the hope that their change will effectuate our desired result. Moreover, our internal narrative and the way that we speak to ourselves is the loudest and most consistent voice that we hear. When the story that is etched in our soul is “no one sees me, no one hears me” we will continuously act in a way that perpetrates this dynamic, often creating vicious self-defeating cycles. Only by recognizing our dysfunctional (or suboptimal) patterns and challenging our maladaptive self-beliefs are we able to initiate the momentum toward growth. In treatment, Rachel and I began the process of questioning her unhealthy self-talk and reframing her personal narrative. We developed connections between her thoughts, actions and feelings, and once she realized the role that she was playing in her unhappiness, she was able to begin the process of taking ownership over her life decisions. She cautiously recognized that the sense of contentment she desperately sought out was within her power and control.
In my career as a clinical and forensic psychologist, I have worked with hundreds of individuals impacted by different forms of trauma. My work with this demographic has profoundly highlighted for me a fairly basic principle of psychology. Our experiences, both good and bad, shape the way we see the world, understand ourselves and interact with others. Given the opportunity, many people would choose to put their sad stories in a box and lock it up tight. To face it is to say out loud all of the uncomfortable, confusing and shameful things that we are more accustomed to hearing only in our head. Yet, there is power in knowing that while we do not always choose our experiences and so much of life is outside of our control, there is a path forward when we are ready to do the work.
*Identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of clients and all parties.
Dr. Leah Schild is a licensed psychologist in New Jersey and New York. Her scope of expertise includes clinical and forensic psychology. Dr. Schild has offered expert testimony regarding clinical/forensic psychology in New Jersey, New York and federal court. In her new role at The Lazar Center, Dr. Schild will be providing therapeutic services to adults. Her areas of expertise include depression, anxiety, PTSD and parenting challenges. Additionally, she has a profound understanding of the dynamics of childhood trauma and its impact on adult functioning. She will also be offering trauma-focused treatment. For more information, please contact Dr. Schild at [email protected].
