When the journalist Amine Ayoub wrote “We are all Bibas,” he was able to capture the flood of emotions that overwhelmed us when the mutilated corpses of Shiri, Ariel and Kfir Bibas were returned to Israel by Hamas. While the capture, torture and murder of all victims of October 7 was gut-wrenching to both Jews and non-Jews world over, it was the Bibas family, more than any other innocent victims, that caused us to hold out hope against hope for over a year and a quarter. As I write these words, the response and reaction to the unspeakable horror continues to come in. When I wrote my first book “The Right Word,” I hoped to provide others with the necessary words as they search for what to say to mourners. And yet, I have no idea whether anything I could possibly say to Yarden Bibas, the bereaved husband and father, would lessen the indescribable pain that he is experiencing. I can, however, provide five Yiddish words that would be helpful to Yiddish speakers in attempting to provide comfort to other mourners as they fulfill the age-old mitzvah of nichum aveilim (comforting mourners). May my doing so serve as my expression of grief.
Fahrdroos (sorrow). I first met Shimshon Heilik over 60 years ago when he assumed the position of principal in the Yiddish Day School I attended. Over the years, Shimshon Heilik became my mentor. Whenever we corresponded, we did so in Yiddish. On one occasion I informed him of the passing of the head of the Yiddish department at Bar Ilan University. Shimshon Heilik’s response to my letter began: Ess iz mit grois fahrdroos (It is with a great deal of sorrow…). Typically, fahrdroos is used in verb form. We say Ess fahrdreest mir… (It causes me sorrow).
Troyer (grief). If my memory serves me correctly, I used the word troyer when I wrote about mondegreens. Although grief and sorrow are often used interchangeably, there is a difference. Sorrow is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a ton of bricks. Grief involves deciding how to deal with that ton of bricks that is keeping you captive. Fahrdroos responds to people reaching out to you while troyer is something you must work out yourself. Yet both can be used to describe a state of being. Ich bin zayer fahrdrossen (I am deeply sorrowed). Ich bin zayer troyarik (I am deeply grieved).
Oomehteek (sad). It was the Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung who said, “The word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” Unlike fahrdroos and troyer, oomehteek is not the result of the loss of a loved one. Along with the sunshine, there’s got to be a little rain sometimes. Fahrvoss gaystoo ahroom azoy oomehteek (Why do you go around so sad?) is well-meaning but best left unsaid. People have a right to be oomehteek. Just because.
Mitgehfeel (empathy). I was once asked to teach a group of rabbinical students about their role in life-cycle events. When it came to comforting the mourner, I could not emphasize strongly enough that no rabbi should ever say, “I know how you must feel.” The truth of the matter is that no rabbi or any other person could possibly know how a bereaved individual feels, in that no two people respond in the same way to the loss of a friend or loved one. The best way to be supportive is to feel for someone in distress. When it comes to comforting the mourner, mitgehfeel is as vacuous as saying “I feel your pain.”
Mitlyde (compassion). Unlike mitgehfeel, mitlyde asks one who cares to “step up.” Mitlyde is calling the almoneh (widow) or almon (widower) or anyone who is living a life of loneliness and asking them to join you and your spouse for coffee. As Jews, we do a fabulous job of mitlyde during shiva. We have yet to realize that shiva has a timetable. Mitlyde does not. It was Mark Twain who reminded us that “Actions speak louder than words.” Had Mark Twain been a Yiddish-speaking Jew from the shtetl, he might have said. “By deer zoll zein mitlyde. Zollen ahndereh redden foon zayehr mitgehfeel.” You, practice mitlyde. Let others spout mitgehfeel.
People mean well when they express their fahrdroos. They should, however, realize that troyer must be dealt with by the one who is experiencing it. At the same time, an occasional feeling of being oomehteek is a natural occurrence. Instead of expressing your mitgehfeel of how bad you feel, show your mitlyde by reaching out to those experiencing sorrow and including them in your life.
May Yarden Bibas and other survivors of the Hamas pogrom find the inner strength to rebuild their lives. May they receive the love, support and mitlyde from those whose acts of kindness are a tribute to humanity.
Rabbi Shawn Zell has recently returned to New Jersey, after serving at a pulpit in Dallas. He possesses certification in teaching Yiddish. Rabbi Zell is the author of three books.
