Most times when women light the Shabbat candles before reciting the bracha and adding any further tefillot that they wish to say, they generally do not have the time to stand and watch the beauty of the flame. Instead most are looking after their children, running to get dressed for when their husband arrives home from shul, perhaps with guests and frequently putting the finishing touches on their table in order for it to have the “perfect” regal look of Shabbat.
We were reminded this afternoon of the brightness of the flame upon exiting from a visit with our neighbor Anita, who is now living in an acute-care living facility. Some of you may remember that this feisty, elderly next-door neighbor of ours was a lady who refused to allow the challenges of aging to interfere with her life. At the age of 92 and 93 she insisted on mowing her own lawn and shovelling her own snow. Do not interpret this as meaning that she did not have a loving, caring family who begged her to discontinue those activities. Her son would hire a gardner and Anita would fire him. She would push her lawnmower with her cane practically attached to her hip. There was no slowing her down.
We spoke about the tragic turn of events when, while driving to the bank, she drove into the bank instead of into a parking space. Although, thank God, no one was hurt, Anita was never the same and at that point her family took over. First she was hospitalized and shortly after that moved into an acute-care facility. Without her knowledge, her home was sold and, as we detailed in the past, her possessions were placed all over New Bridge Avenue and sold to the highest bidder. It was tragic.
We maintained our weekly visits to Anita after she moved and never discussed with her that her home was sold. She spoke often of coming home and we would shake our heads.
Gradually we began to see a further decline. She would say things that made no sense, although she always knew who we were and would engage in regular conversation much of the time. She always spoke with pride to all of her friends and the staff where she lives that Mordechai is her rabbi. For many it was quite comical as Anita was always a devoted Catholic who for most of her life went to mass each morning. As she told her son Wayne, she no longer needs to see their priest as now she has her own “private rabbi.”
In the past five weeks she has suffered a further decline. We had not seen her, as Wayne kept us abreast of her condition but felt it better for us not to come as she was constantly sleeping and in significant pain. Today we got the go-ahead to see her and off we went.
There was rough-and-tough Anita lying in bed. She barely had the strength to open her eyes or speak for the first few moments we were there. Nina took her hand and held it, and she pointed to her lips. Immediately we got a nurse to find out if it was ok to give her a drink. The flame that had always been so strong was flickering significantly. We chatted about the “news of the neighborhood” and mentioned her great grandchild, but she was not able to reply. We are a couple that has experienced miracles. We have watched our daughter recover after doctors told us that she would not make it. We have had other occasions to see right before our eyes the hand of God. We want the flame that is keeping Anita going to continue, yet at the same time we know that she would never want to see herself in this condition. Once again in life, this is a reminder of the fact that we have little control. If it is deemed so, we pray that she will regain her strength, and if it is not what is planned for her, we live with the constant daily reminder that our lives are on a tightrope. It really is not up to us, and the significant message we think about often when encountering these situations is that whether one lives to 32 or 95, we don’t get to choose. What we are able to do is to allow the flame, while it is burning, to remind us of the ability we all have to make the very best of each moment, no matter what our situation.
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
