From time to time, I will part from my usual format of answering questions to share with you thoughts regarding marriage and its challenges.
A number of years ago, I was speaking to a large gathering of women at a N’shei Chabad convention. After my address, during the question period, a woman began telling the story of her marriage a number of years before to a man who, like her, was a Baal Teshuvah. They had a fairly good marriage and a number of children, some of whom were still quite young. Over the last few years, however, he was growing tired of religion, and particularly of the very specific and seemingly nonsensical (he called it nitpicking) demands that it placed on its adherents. He stopped going to shul, and though out of respect for her he did not openly violate the rules of Shabbat when his children were home, he was generally nonobservant when he was on his own. She was, of course, planning to divorce her husband, but wanted some guidance on how to present it to the children. She was quite taken aback when I very strongly objected to her view that marriage was simply a vehicle to maintaining a Torah life. In some way, of course, it is. But if it threatens the security of the marriage and family, it must be approached with the greatest of fear and trembling. The family is, among other things, the source of safety, giving children the opportunity to safely grow and learn to deal with this crazy adventure that we call life. Most normal parents wouldn’t throw away or “divorce” their nonobservant children. And the backbone of family is marriage. There are times when marriage needs to be ended. But when confronted with a threat to marriage, one needs to be very, very, very careful and willing to explore whatever sacrifices might be necessary to maintain it.
I realize that this topic will be very painful to those of you who have ended your marriage. I am not writing to or about you. What is done is done. Even if you now regret, or fear that your decision was made too hastily, it is over and done with and you need to focus on making your life as good as it can be. I am, however, talking to you if you are thinking of ending your marriage. Even if you are sure that your reasons are justified, talk to your rabbi (with your spouse), go for therapy, or find a different therapist if the one you have been seeing isn’t helping. And above all, keep trying (unless you feel physically threatened). The marriage you are thinking of ending, might very well be the one that you need.
Please feel free to contact me regarding this (or any) topic. You can do so anonymously by writing to
mordechaiglick_gmail.com.
Dr. Glick was a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years as well as a rabbi of Congregation Ahavast Yisroel. If you would like to submit a question, or contact him for an appointment, he can be reached at mordechaiglick_gmail.com
