They’re everywhere: in our living rooms, in our cars, next to our beds, at weddings, in restaurants, in meetings…and always in our hands. Worse yet, smartphones have besieged our minds and wreaked havoc on our interpersonal relationships. Let’s face it—we live in an age of unprecedented smartphone use, overuse, misuse and abuse.

Now, as adults, we’re free to self-regulate or not regulate at all our smartphone use; we’re adults, after all, and that’s our prerogative.

But have we taken the time and put in the effort to contemplate how our children interact with smartphones, and, more to the point, how smartphones interact with our children? Surely, it’s easier to fold in with the herd and simply indulge their desires for the latest model iPhone or Android or whatever the tech gurus proclaim is the superior product (at least until the next year’s models come out). But parenting was never meant to be easy.

Ours is the first parenting cohort with all of our children fully immersed (drowning, actually) in the digital age. While bullying, social exclusion and inappropriate content are not new challenges, we are the first generation of parents to confront these issues in immediately and instantaneously accessible digital form. Nowadays, bullying doesn’t start and end on the playground, and sharing pictures has a whole new meaning. And, in that sense, we’re in uncharted territory and face shared challenges. When should we give our children their first phone? How do we ensure that they stay safe from strangers, from peers, from themselves? How do we balance their right to privacy with our responsibility of parental oversight?

We insist that our children wear seatbelts and helmets, we ensure that they look before crossing the street and we teach them not to talk to strangers. And good on us for doing all that.

Yet, when it comes to digital citizenship, we seem to have abandoned the sacred and primary responsibility of ensuring our children’s safety. On the contrary, the more ubiquitous smartphones have become—in our lives and in theirs—the less we seem to regulate them. We give our children more access, more often, more unfiltered and at an earlier age. That’s a disturbing trend.

And it’s a contributing factor in nearly every challenge confronting today’s children. Here are just a few.

Social Media vs. Social Isolation. For our digital native children, every beep, swipe and notification brings a constant and incessant stream of information about their friends’ whereabouts and (mis)adventures, touted as keeping them “connected” but really leading to feelings of exclusion and isolation. The very platforms purporting to form social connections often sever them. So today’s teens are more likely to stay home virtually “connected” rather than actually connecting with friends and creating authentic experiences and relationships. Is it any wonder that our teens feel more isolated than ever, which, in turn, gives rise to anxiety, depression and a proclivity for self-harm (God forbid)? That’s unacceptable.

Tired, Wired Teens. As parents of any teenager will tell you, today’s teens are sleep deprived, acutely and chronically. The adolescent brain demands sleep for development, concentration, information retention and healthy hormone release. And yet, in May 2019, The Washington Post reported that four in five teens sleep with their smartphones in hand. In hand! Is it any wonder our children suffer at alarming rates from insomnia and other sleep disorders? That’s unacceptable.

Cognitive Overload. The frontal lobe of the human brain’s cortex—the area responsible for decision making, judgement, planning, inhibition and self-awareness—is not fully developed until one reaches the mid-20s. So smartphones are to the teen mind what slot machines are to the gambler: Both devices are designed to buzz, ping and spark the brain’s reward centers. Dopamine, a pleasure neurochemical, is released naturally in response to any pleasurable stimulus, like a bite of delicious food or a successful social interaction—or when a gambler hits the jackpot. It is also released when we get a “like” or a “follow.” And since we repeat rewarded behaviors, the pursuit of “likes” and “follows”—and the resulting dopamine release—leads to the drive for more “likes” and more “follows.” The cycle is endless. Is it any wonder our children are more impatient and less focused than ever? That’s unacceptable.

Erosion of Social Skills. Our teens have grown so accustomed to communicating through text and WhatsApp that they are uncomfortable even at the prospect of a face-to-face conversation. And they often lack the social skills so essential to adulthood. So, for instance, do our teens know how to argue in a healthy and mature manner, or do they simply leave the Whatsapp group? MIT professor Sherry Turkle observes that growing up digital has decreased teens’ levels of empathy by over 40% in one generation alone. Is it any wonder our children chase likes, retweets or follows, but struggle to socialize with family, friends and future colleagues? That’s unacceptable.

And that’s just the short list.

Think I’m overstating the hazards? Just ask the people behind the screens. Smartphone and app developers are well aware of these hazards, which, according to a 2018 report in Business Insider, is precisely the reason Silicon Valley parents raise their children tech-free. They want us connected but often keep these devices out of their homes and schools. That makes you wonder.

So now what?

A 2016 Pew Research study found that only a disturbing 16% of parents filter or monitor their children’s smartphone usage. Why?

Some parents worry that implementing controls signals distrust, which, in turn, erodes the parent-child relationship. But, in reality, safeguards signal distrust no more than training wheels on a bicycle. Age-appropriate safety devices are part of parenting. Even our most responsible, well-intentioned, mature children are just not ready for unbridled smartphone usage—the social isolation, the sleep deprivation the cognitive overload and the erosion of social skills. Would we give alcoholic beverages to our adolescent children and trust (hope) that they’ll self-regulate? Of course not.

Some parents simply lack the technical know-how to institute parental controls on their children’s phones. But that’s no excuse. As parents, we are responsible to educate ourselves on these issues and, if need be, enlist the aid and guidance of school and communal resources.

That’s why, at Naaleh High School for Girls, we already have taken some initial steps—baby steps, admittedly—toward curbing rampant smartphone use. Students are required to deposit their phones in specially designated pouches (stored in the school office) at the beginning of the day, and they may be accessed only during lunch (not other free periods or breaks). Phones are not permitted during school functions or on school trips.

That’s a good start, but more is needed. And that’s where you, the parents—our partners—come in.

Beginning with the 2020-2021 academic year, Naaleh will implement a policy mandating that parents institute some form of control or safeguard on student smartphones. (Aided by a parent advisory committee, in formation, the school will hold informational sessions for parents wishing to learn more about available programs, with on-site tech assistance.) We will not mandate any particular program—they come in many forms, with some filtering content and others limiting usage time—and each family is free to adopt a program of its choosing. But some supervision will be required. Unfiltered, unmonitored, unlimited and unrestricted smartphone usage is unhealthy and unacceptable.

And it is not the future we want for our children.

Deena Kobre is head of school at Naaleh High School for Girls in Ridgewood.