Some parents will do just about anything to get their children admitted into their high school of choice. Usually the tactics employed are sensible and even laudable. For example, some parents will refrain from any social media posts that could possibly be (mis)construed as running afoul of a school’s standards of conduct. As a result, these parents arguably wind up living nobler and menschier lives and making wiser and more yiddishkeit-driven decisions.

Thus, the stressful push for admittance to high school can lead to a higher calling.

That said, there is a possibility that a few parents might resort to more aggressive behavior in trying to tilt the scales in their child’s favor. Such parents undoubtedly would have the best of intentions and their child’s best interests in mind, but that still would not justify conduct. For instance, the end would not justify the means if the means are mean.

So how do you know if you have gone too far in trying to get your child admitted into a particular high school? You could simply follow the “I know it when I see it” test enunciated by the United States Supreme Court in 1964, the standard the court used to determine obscenity. That should work in most cases but to bring more clarity on this issue, below are hypothetical examples of the types of behavior that all parents should strictly avoid when zealously advocating for their child’s entry into a particular high school. [Disclaimer: We here at the Oy Vey! home office sincerely believe that no parent would even consider attempting these extreme and silly maneuvers, so take them with a grain of salt or, if necessary, the whole salt shaker.]

Bribery: The offering of an item of value to influence the actions of another person. For example, do not bribe the school principal with a year’s supply of your spouse’s cholent, although as bribes go, that’s a good one.

Blackmail: An act of coercion using the threat of revealing either substantially true or false information about a person unless certain demands are met. For example, do not threaten the school principal with a public revelation that his nickname in high school was Klutzy.

Morton’s Fork: Based on the tax collection policy of John Morton, Lord Chancellor of England in 1487, it’s a situation wherein one is forced to decide between two equally unpleasant options, i.e., getting caught between a rock and a hard place. For example, do not force the school principal to choose between (i) accepting your unqualified, unruly and trouble-making child who single-handedly could bring down the entire school or (ii) losing out on your $1 million confidential donation to the principal’s discretionary fund.

Buridan’s Ass: Named after 14th century philosopher Jean Buridan, it’s a situation wherein you find yourself with a difficult decision between two equally appealing options and the decision making process is so dragged out that you would be better off just picking one. It derives from a situation in which an ass enters a barn, spies two bales of hay and cannot choose between them. As a result, the animal remains in the same spot and starves to death. So, for example, do not force the school principal to decide between your completely identical and equally-qualified twins.

False choice: A situation wherein a false choice often reflects a deliberate attempt to eliminate other (and usually more sensible) middle-of-the-road options. For example, a false choice would be if you tell the school principal that either all applicants must be accepted into the school or none should be accepted.

Like the parents, schools also should act appropriately during the high school admission process. Here are a couple of examples of what schools should not do.

Catch-22: A paradoxical situation in which you need something that can only be achieved or obtained by not being in the situation in which you find yourself. (Believe it or not, the phrase Catch-22 is based on the book titled “Catch-22.”) So, for example, a Catch-22 would be if the school had a rule that it accepts only those incoming freshmen with prior high school experience.

Hobson’s Choice: A situation where you have a free choice, but only one real option is offered. You can either take it or leave it. This is named after Thomas Hobson (1544 -1631), a British stable owner who wanted to make sure that all of his horses were being worked equally. Instead of allowing customers to choose their horse to ride, he offered them a choice between the horse in the stall nearest the door or no horse at all. So, for example, in a town with only one high school and that also prohibits home-schooling, the school should not tell the parents that they must either accept a tuition increase or keep their kids home.

Final thought: Getting into high school can be tough but getting out can be even tougher.