Part III

This is the last of three articles about chemical dependency, specifically family challenges when there is chemical dependency in the family and, in particular, how parents should address it. As always, readers’ comments and questions are welcome.

Chemical Dependency: A Family Challenge

Chemical dependency most frequently occurs in a “system.” The theme of addiction as a “family systems challenge” has been well researched and documented beginning with work done by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse in the late 1970s. The implication is that chemical dependency most often occurs not with individuals alone but in a group context and affects families, friends, the employment arena and eventually the health care and legal system. Parents, a prominent subset of families, are often at the forefront of those touched by a teen or adult child’s substance abuse.

For some families the various members often need to begin the process of recovery before their loved one (the chemically dependent) joins in the solution. This may mean receiving education about the disease, participating in their own therapy without the chemically dependent, learning about what to do and what not to do, attending 12-step meetings for family members such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Families Anonymous and Co-Dependents Anonymous, to name some examples.

A phrase that may imply blame and a pejorative connotation is “enabling behavior.” It relates to a loved one, a significantly involved person who excuses, justifies or ignores the consequences of the problem user’s behavior. Often it is a family member who means well but inadvertently or consciously “cleans up the mess” created by the substance abuser’s use. I have rarely observed such a person motivated by anything other than love for the abuser or shame due to repercussions of the chemical dependency. Here are some specific suggestions for parents when engaging, intervening and caring for an adolescent or young adult.

Suggestions for Parents

Don’t be a hypocrite. Adolescents have an uncanny sixth sense when it comes to detecting hypocrisy. Parents who live by the credo “Do what I say, not what I do” are prone to losing significant credibility. Be consistent in your speech and actions. This especially pertains to drinking alcohol. Teens are most often apt to follow an adult’s behavior versus their “speeches.”

Learn the facts. Read, watch TV programs/videos, listen to educational material…differentiate the truth from myths and misconceptions about drugs, alcohol and other addictive behaviors.

Talk to other parents; try not to isolate. Develop relationships with other healthy, informed parents. They are your peers. Develop communication and informal support systems. Do not hide your relationships. It’s important to role-model that you are not making decisions alone.

Be a positive role model. Drink responsibly as though your kids are watching and learning from you. Learn to apologize

Establish norms and relationships. The earlier the better. Check in with other parents when making decisions. Process decisions.

Set limits and healthy boundaries.

Learn to say “no.” Find out if you are really “the most strict parents in the community” when you say “no.”

Lew Abrams has over 40 years of experience in the fields of substance abuse and mental health treatment. He has created and directed programs at all levels of care including traditional outpatient, partial hospitalization, intensive outpatient and residential services throughout New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania, including the well-known Yatzken Center for teens with addictions, sponsored by the FEFS/Jewish Federation of New York. Lew has specialized training in clinical supervision, group therapy, psychodrama, family therapy and experiential techniques including anger discharge and grief work. He currently is in private practice, with offices in New York and New Jersey. He has written numerous articles regarding substance abuse and mental health topics. Lew can be reached at 201-725-3627 or [email protected].

Since the passing of her son Eric by suicide in 2016, Eta Levenson and her family founded the Eric Eliezer Levenson Foundation for Hope to fight the stigmatization of mental illness, raise awareness about mental health challenges and help prevent suicide. She can be reached at
[email protected].