Every Wednesday I teach a class to social work graduate students on the subject of the treatment of eating disorders. Recently, the focus of one of the lectures and discussions was family therapy. We reviewed the impact that family dynamics and attachments can have on an individual’s relationship with food and the importance of not pointing blame or looking at the family as either “good” or “bad.”

Within this conversation I also reviewed some simple tools in which I have been trained, including some tangible skills that I taught via role play to my students.

I share this in the hope of connecting the abovementioned topics with current affairs—not only the recent murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, but so many other instances of lives taken and acts of hate and injustice through the years. These demonstrate the very real and alive racism and the very real and alive white privilege and the need for change. I will link the two by starting with some psycho-education on a particular skill.

Imago therapy was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980. It explores conflict within relationships and the ability for this conflict to lead to growth. One of the skills I was taught throughout my training relates to the ability to listen. In this skill, participants—typically two or more individuals in a family unit or relationship—are taught to Mirror, Validate and Empathize (Hunt, Huxley.)

The individual who starts is asked to speak, sharing a sentiment of feelings using “I” statements, focusing on the self and internal feelings, rather than focusing on blaming the other. The listener is then asked to recite back to the speaker, word for word, what was said. Statements are typically kept short as this must be an exact repetition. The listener ends this repetition by asking “Did I get that right?” At that point, the original speaker reflects on whether s/he was heard and whether the receiver was able to repeat the exact message. If it is not right, the speaker states this again and the listener once again repeats what was heard. This happens until s/he “gets it.” Once this happens, the listener asks, “Is there more?” at which point the speaker can add more.

This continues until the speaker states that there is no more. The listener is then asked to summarize the overall message to be sure that in her/his own words, s/he understands the sentiment.

The next phase of this skill is to practice and foster communication of validation and empathy. This allows for partners/family members to see one another and show understanding of perspective that will pave the way for growth within the relationship. This allows for individuals to recognize one another’s feelings and opinions and not respond to statements for the sake of responding, but instead be able to truly listen to one another.

There is so much listening that takes place merely for the sake of responding—for the interest of the rebuttal rather than for the interest of learning. Part of the ability to listen includes pausing, reflecting, imagining, admitting bias and tunnel vision. Part of listening also includes reflecting when you may not see eye to eye but can still provide respect, compassion and support.

During these tumultuous and heartbreaking times, times of history repeating itself over and over and over, we must start by listening. We must, as individuals and as a community, humble ourselves to a place of recognizing what we truly do not understand, and providing an ear to listen—to truly listen. Not for the sake of responding. Not for the sake of comparing. But to listen and to learn and to be willing to provide support.

This is what is needed. This is what we are called upon to do, at least as a start. This is about humanity and about extending ourselves by reflecting inward and asking at least one simple question noted above, “Did I get that right?”

And if you did not, listen again until you do.

Temimah Zucker, LCSW, is the assistant clinical director at Monte Nido Manhattan and works in private practice currently treating clients virtually in both New York and New Jersey. Temimah also speaks nationally on the subjects of body image, mental health, eating disorders and self-esteem. To learn more, visit www.temimah.com