Yom Kippur was considered by our sages to be one of the happiest days of the year (Bava Batra 121a). This was because we were guaranteed that our sins would be forgiven and that we would be able to start out fresh again. Our slates would be cleared and our accounts would be renewed. The caveat was that this was true only for sins between man and God; nevertheless, for sins between man and his fellow man, Yom Kippur did not provide atonement until we appeased the offended person (Yoma 85b.) However, what if we did not know that we had offended a person? How are we to ask forgiveness for seemingly minor annoyances in life that take place and may fall “under the radar”?
A while back I was introduced to the CEO of a major charitable organization by a third party, let’s call him Sam (not his real name). Sam thought I would have valuable advice to offer since I had worked for state agencies in the past and was familiar with rules and regulations regarding group homes. I had also coordinated a crisis intervention team for the dually diagnosed and directed the department of psychology at a major New York psychiatric hospital in the past. The CEO and I seemed to connect very well. All went well.
I later followed up by sending a signed copy of my father’s Holocaust memoirs book, sent an email and even sent a donation to the charitable organization. I was surprised and mildly troubled when the book went unacknowledged, the email seemed unread and I did not so much as get a receipt or a thank you note for the donation I sent. I let it go. Months passed by.
A week before Rosh Hashanah, I happened to make contact with Sam. I wished him a Shana Tova and let him know that I was disappointed with this CEO and how my gestures went unacknowledged. Sam took it upon himself to forward my comments to the CEO. Imagine my surprise when the CEO immediately responded by writing me a two-page sincere letter of apology. The CEO made comments such as “I am mortified… and am grateful that I have a chance to apologize from the bottom of my heart.” The CEO went on to give plausible explanations of how these oversights occurred. The CEO concluded, “I have not had much feedback similar to yours… I thank you for the opportunity to know what I have to do to improve, and that is a gift in and of itself. I value the time we spent together and I appreciate your donation more than you know.”
Imagine that! A CEO of a multimillion dollar nonprofit organization who had a chance encounter with me months ago asked forgiveness when learning that I had been unwittingly disappointed. I was thanked for making this a learning experience. What an unusual occurrence! Of course I accepted the apology and we have since reconnected.
The Gemara in Arachin (16b) discusses how challenging it is to reprove one’s fellow man. This is especially true if we do not even realize we have offended our fellow man. Yet, we read, “rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). Sometimes this sort of feedback is genuinely appreciated.
As we enter into Yom Kippur, let us endeavor to forgive one another for the obvious slights as well as the minor offenses that we may not even be aware of. In turn, may Hashem forgive all of our sins so that we celebrate Yom Kippur again as one of the happiest days of the year.
Gemar Chatimah Tova!
Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg is a forensic, clinical psychologist in private practice. He is president of the Chai Riders Motorcycle Club of NY/NJ. He leads the Summit Avenue Shabbos Gemara shiur and minyan in Fair Lawn, NJ, and is a member of the International Rabbinical Society. He can be reached at [email protected].
