The Jewish Link recently published a “Letter to the Editor” concerning tallit-related protocols in certain shuls. The letter regaled readers with a tale involving a persnickety “yekkishe” (German-style) synagogue with a penchant for authoritarianism. As the story goes, a visitor was davening on Shabbat morning and started to remove his tallis right after Alenu, well before davening’s official end. As reported, “[a]n usher approached him and gave him a card informing him he had to pay a fine of three guilders for this breach of protocol!” Under current exchange rates, three guilders is approximately USD $1.50, enough to buy a slice of pizza, a can of soda or a black and white cookie.
The idea of imposing such a fine seems a bit draconian given the relatively minor violation, but many “yekkishe” shuls do not play games. Decorum is demanded and strict adherence to protocol is non-negotiable. While some “yekkishe” shuls mercifully give a warning before dropping the proverbial hammer, others take their congregants to task for even the slightest infraction. Such a totalitarian approach can be very effective because fear usually paralyzes the masses into obedience.
If removing one’s tallis prematurely equates to a three guilder fine, then what are the penalties for other violations? Below are some hypothetical shul-related infractions and possible corresponding fines:
Accidentally sitting in someone else’s seat = 4 guilders. Intentionally sitting in someone else’s stroller because you need a nap = 5 guilders. When getting called up to the Torah for an aliyah, giving the gabbai a fake name because you do not like your real name = 6 guilders, or because you are in a witness protection program = 0 guilders (free pass).
Failing to return your siddur and/or chumash to the bookshelf after davening = 7 guilders. Failing to look for your children or spouse after davening = 7.5 guilders. Talking to others during the rabbi’s speech = 8 guilders. Talking to yourself during the rabbi’s speech = 9 guilders. Attempting to out-sing the chazzan during the musaf repetition = 10 guilders. Incorporating new tunes into the musaf repetition that nobody recognizes or enjoys = 11 guilders.
During kiddush, loitering at the table and blocking others from cholent access = 12 guilders. Sponsoring a kiddush that does not include cholent = 13 guilders. Standing on a chair to see over the mechitza = 14 guilders. Standing on the gabbai to see over the mechitza = 15 guilders. Attending a private, mid-davening renegade kiddush = 16 guilders. Hosting a private, mid-davening renegade kiddush = 17 guilders.
Handing out healthy snacks in an effort to counteract the antics of the shul’s beloved candyman = 18 guilders. Handing out gribenes and kishke to exacerbate the adverse health effects of the candyman’s antics = 19 guilders.
Asking the shul president to make inappropriate announcements just to get attention, e.g., “Last Tuesday, our esteemed congregant, Mr. Carl Cheekowitz, received his annual colonoscopy with no complications or concerns.” (“Mazel tov!”) = 20 guilders or “This week, our dear congregant, Dr. Ira Splitstein, will be filing for divorce from his wife due to irreconcilable differences including an unending dispute over whether to install granite or marble countertops in their Pesach kitchen.” (“Mazel tov!”) = 20.5 guilders.
Wishing someone a “Good Shabbos” on a weekday Yontif = 21 guilders. Wishing someone a “Mazel Tov” at a funeral = 22 guilders.
Wearing an excessively large and overly intense kippah because you just returned from Israel and are still experiencing a Holyland high = 23 guilders. Wearing a new tallis that you ordered via the internet from an Israeli website and then telling everyone that you purchased the tallis in Israel = 24 guilders.
Mixing up “Moreed Ha-Tal” and “Masheev Ha-Ruach” = 25 guilders. Mixing up Yom Kippur and a Purim Seudah = 26 guilders. Reciting the silent musaf out loud = 27 guilders. Reciting a prayer only for the Welfare of the State of Israel’s Burger Bar, Moshiko and Machane Yehuda = 28 guilders. Demanding the maftir aliyah but refusing to read the Haf-Torah = 29 guilders. Reading half the Torah instead of the Haf-Torah = 30 guilders.
Posing as a Kohen or Levi just to score an early aliyah = 31 guilders. Posing as a member of the Hashkama minyan just to avoid the rabbi’s sermon = 32 guilders. Performing an unimpressive single-column hagbah = 33 guilders. Performing an even more unimpressive gelilah = 34 guilders.
Singing “Adon Olam” to the tune of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” = 35 guilders. Singing “The Mourner’s Kaddish” to the tune of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” = 36 guilders.
Final thought: It is better to pay a fine than to pay the piper, pay dearly or pay the ultimate price.
By Jon Kranz
