In honor of Tu B’Shevat, we should really talk about eating some fruits and vegetables, because come Purim, we’re going to switch over to junk food for a month, and then after that, who knows what we’re going to do to our diets?
Unfortunately, we have no idea how to actually buy produce. This is not something they teach in school.
The issue is that with most foods, such as yogurt, there’s an expiration date clearly stamped on the package that says exactly when people are going to be nervous about eating it. Produce has no such date, though. How are we supposed to know?
I guess they figure that if you take your cucumbers out of the fridge and find that they’ve completely changed consistency, you’ll probably know on your own not to put it in a salad. But how are you supposed to know, when you buy it, what date this is going to happen? They can’t put a sticker on every piece of fruit that says an expiration date? They’re putting stickers on them anyway. What information do the stickers give you? What company produced the apples? They’re apples. That company did not make the apples. All they did was pick them, and they can’t even tell you when.
At least with milk, they put a stamp on it, so you can know to pick the ones in the very back of the display fridge. But what are you supposed to do when it comes to produce? Just take the ones at the bottom of the big pyramid and have them all come cascading down—and then hope you can rebuild the whole thing before the poor fruit guy shows up? You definitely want to dig to the bottom anyway, because who knows how many people touched the ones on top. This is the main reason we have to wash fruit. It’s not because it grew from the ground. The fruit store has sprinklers going the entire time to take care of that.
But you definitely should be eating more produce, because the last time you weighed yourself, you broke the supermarket produce scale.
So here are some tips:
Cherry tomatoes—Look in the container and make sure that none of them look raisiny, like they’ve been sitting in the bathtub too long. Shake the container a few times to make sure.
Grapes—I think you’re supposed to taste them. If they taste like grapefruits, don’t bother.
Bananas—Buy green bananas if you plan on letting them ripen at home, and yellow bananas if you plan on eating all of them in the parking lot.
Lemons—I don’t know how to pick a lemon. I assume you do it like an etrog. You peer at them with a magnifying glass: “I don’t like this lemon. This is not worth my 79 cents.”
Navel oranges—I think you have to look at the navel. This is the part opposite the stem, and it’s usually an innie. If the navel has lint, it’s old.
Onions—I’ve heard that older onions make you cry less. Or more. I forget. Point is, the best way to tell if an onion is old is to start digging into it and see if it makes you cry. Also, a fresh onion should have no smell at all, so pick it up and smell it, in a different part of the store than all the other onions.
Strawberries—You have to turn the container over a few times and see if there’s a moldy one in there. This isn’t easy, because they usually hide it in the middle.
Avocados—You have to know exactly when you’re eating avocados and buy one that will be good on that day exactly. Generally when you buy it, it will be hard as a rock, but if you then store it at room temperature—Never mind. You missed it.
Corn—Open up the husk a little and take a peek at the top few kernels. You can guess about the rest.
Cabbage—Your cabbage should feel heavy considering how small it is. You have to emit an audible “Whoa” when you pick it up.
Cantaloupes—Supposedly, you’re supposed to be able to smell it through the rind. I don’t remember ever experiencing this, and I can’t tell you how many store cantaloupes I have touched with my nose. I think the rind’s been getting thicker as a defense mechanism.
Celery—Celery should stand upright when held from the bottom. The same goes for carrots.
Mushrooms—You want to pick mushrooms that don’t look moldy, which is not easy, because mushrooms are mold. But you don’t want any new mold growing from them that isn’t strictly mushrooms.
Also, according to experts, most of these vegetables should be served on the day you buy them. So whatever day every week you buy your produce, you should eat all your produce that day, and then you’re set for the week, health-wise. Or you can ignore all this advice, because you only have to worry about the experts’ rules of how long you can save things if you keep to their rules of when to buy things. If you ignore their rules, it’s anyone’s game.
Live life on the edge. That way, you can be surprised when things work out, and you too can be the kind of person who says, “This is really good cantaloupe!” so that everyone around you tries it and thinks, “I don’t know what he’s talking about. It just tastes like cantaloupe. I don’t know what I was expecting when she said that.”
But your best option when picking produce is to try to get someone your mother’s age to help you.
“Young man, are you crying?”
“(Sniff) No. I’m just trying to figure out the onions.”
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
