When I was in my late teens, I once asked my rosh yeshiva, Hagaon Harav Nosson Tzvi Finkel, zt”l, “What should I do? There are some people who annoy me and I have a hard time getting along with them. How can I ‘love them like myself?’” Rav Finkel advised me, “Do something for them—help them, do them a favor or buy them something. This will help you come to like them.” I thought I needed to work on my perspective and attitude, but the rosh yeshiva was giving me something small and simple to do. It was a novel idea. I tried it…and it worked!
Years later, I was learning the sefer Michtav M’Eliyahu by Rav Dessler and I was so excited when I came across a quote from Masechta Derech Eretz Zuta: “If you want to develop love and caring for your friend, do actions to benefit him.” This was exactly the lesson my rosh yeshiva had taught me.
Rav Dessler explained the “magic” as follows. Many people believe a person normally gives to and helps others because the others care for him. However, it’s just the reverse. The more one gives to and cares for others, the more his affection and love develops for them. It’s simple: When you give to someone, you’re investing part of you in them. They thereby become a part of you. Since you naturally love yourself, you’ll love them as well.
This lesson gives us a great insight into the plight of a metzora—a person stricken with tzara’as (a disfiguring skin condition)—and our own daily lives as well.
A person with tzara’as is, in a certain sense, considered dead. How so? The Gemara lists three other types of people who are “considered” dead,” even though they are physically alive: a destitute person (pauper), a blind man, and a person who is childless. The situations of these people seem vastly different, yet the Gemara compares their plight.
A poor man’s situation is akin to death, not because of his personal plight, but rather because his abject need forces him to focus on dealing with his daily challenges and he generally is unable to give to others. A blind man, because he lacks sight, can’t fully assess someone else’s situation in order to properly help him. Finally, a lack of children deprives a person of the greatest opportunity to give to others selflessly—child-raising—and so that lack is a kind of death.
The common denominator among all these cases is that the individuals are unable to give to others. That…is considered a lack of life! Similarly, Rav Chaim Shmulevitz quotes the pasuk that says the metzora “…must dwell in solitude outside the camp.” Someone who is unable to live with others by definition cannot give to others. And when one can no longer be a giver…that is akin to death!
Now we are able to understand the punishment for the metzora. Tzara’as appears because of the sin of lashon hara (derogatory speech). Rashi explains that lashon hara causes distance between people, with the utterer trying to ostracize his victim via the derogatory speech. Since he causes people to be shunned with his speech, Hashem inflicts him with tzara’as, causing him to be alone, which is akin to death. In essence, someone who speaks lashon hara is actually killing himself: His attempt to ostracize another results in his own ostracization, which is akin to death.
Yet, the Torah does not place a life sentence on these individuals. The metzora’s ouster from the camp is temporary and just makes him aware he is missing a key element of life—connecting positively with others. The Chofetz Chaim wrote a sefer named Shem Olam specifically to address people who are childless. He explained that by helping others and giving tzedakah, they create an eternal name for themselves and are able to acquire “adopted children” for themselves through their acts of chesed.
This past Pesach my father-in-law, Rabbi Singer, got permission from his doctor to stay in our home—in separate quarters—since all of us either had COVID or were vaccinated. This whole past year he spent every Shabbos eating by himself. Prior to that, he would spend Friday night at our table and Shabbos day lunch with my brother and sister-in-law and his grandchildren. His demeanor and spirit were deeply affected. Rabbi Singer is a natural giver and his lack of being able to give for a whole year took a toll on him. We were so happy to see him back in his element and be “revived” by his ability to give to others.
Life is the ability to help and benefit others. “To live is to give and to give is to live.”
Rabbi Baruch Bodenheim is the associate Rosh Yeshiva of Passaic Torah Institute (PTI)/Yeshiva Ner Boruch, where he leads a multi-level Gemara-learning program. PTI has attracted adult Jews of all ages from all over northern New Jersey for its learning programs. Fees are not charged but any contributions are always welcome. Beyond PTI, Rabbi Bodenheim conducts a weekly beis midrash program with chavrusa learning in Livingston plus a monthly group in West Caldwell. Rabbi Bodenheim can be reached at [email protected]. For more info about PTI and its Torah classes, visit www.pti.shulcloud.com.
