This presentation looks at marital problems from a different perspective, based upon logic, common sense and the author’s experience in helping others. It can be helpful not only to couples but also to professional counselors. The goal of this analysis is to encourage and guide couples who are struggling with their marriage to rekindle the spark that is flickering, and to recapture the exuberance that they had once experienced.
For centuries, a plethora of material has been written, defining marriage and realistic expectations of marriage. Yet many still don’t understand and/or accept their marriage for what it is, despite what they have read or have been told. Consequently, couples are too often unprepared. This may very well be the case because marriage is unique and unlike any other partnership because of its highly personal and intimate nature.
Two relevant statistics cry out for our awareness and action:
1. It has been estimated that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
2. 40-50% of all these divorced couples had sought professional help to avoid the dissolution of their marriages.
We must try to move the needle that has been fixed at that same dismal 50% for the past few decades to a more palatable number. I hope this discussion will help promote better understanding. Perhaps this may alleviate some distress and lower the emotional thermometer, which can allow some space for logic and common sense to enter.
Consider this imagined biblical vignette:
Adam and Eve, the only humans in creation, were strolling through the Garden of Eden on a sunny afternoon, when Eve suddenly stopped, pivoted around to look directly into Adam’s eyes and asked, “Adam do you love me?”
Caught completely off guard, Adam immediately looked around the Garden, turned back to Eve and exclaimed, “Who else?”
There is an important message in this anecdote, because it actually depicts the very essence of a successful marriage. When a couple can look into each other’s eyes and really feel that there is no one else in the world, that is the ultimate, happy marriage to be emulated by all.
Unlike Adam and Eve, we have alternatives in choosing our mates. It is axiomatic that each human being is the sum total of his or her life experiences. If we apply this philosophical insight to the process of marriage and view it in its entirety, we can say with some assurance that a marriage actually begins with the first date in the courtship period. It is here, in this courtship phase, where the seeds for the future success or failure of a marriage are planted. It is here where couples begin to set goals to be achieved and promises to be fulfilled, including where to work and live, plans for their wedding, for children, and a host of other matters.
However, while prospective mates are getting to know each other during their courtship, they are also trying to impress one another. They may try to display themselves in a more favorable light by presenting themselves as someone other than their true selves. This less-than-fully-genuine façade carries over to the wedding day.
So after a traditional courtship at least, if Susan and David get married, they may in at least some respects stand side by side as virtual strangers. They have not yet become truly familiar with their spouse as a unique entity—with different customs, traditions, education, needs, interests and philosophies of life. (And, in all likelihood, there will be in-laws). Yet they are vowing to assume obligations and responsibilities to each other as a married couple.
Some time later, when they ultimately reveal their true selves, they may question, “Is this the person I married?” Whether these thoughts of disappointment and deception are explicitly expressed or merely processed internally, they are, nevertheless, very real. While some couples are able to minimize and dismiss these thoughts, others allow these disappointments to fester and expand into feelings of anger and distrust that surface at disagreements or confrontations. There can be strong resentments and feelings of being deceived.
For lots of reasons, almost every marriage is worth saving. Divorce is messy and expensive, children (if there are any) will suffer, property will have to be divided, and in most cases everyone will end up shattered in some ways; it can take a long time to recover. But if the marriage is to survive, both parties will need to work on being flexible and reducing selfishness while increasing selflessness.
In view of all this, here’s a therapeutic tool that might be worth implementing: After each spouse gives the counselor an earful of complaints, it would be helpful for the counselor and the couple to revisit the courtship period. The counselor can walk them through a thorough review and in-depth discussion of what made them look forward to a lifetime with each other. So doing will reveal the positive sentiments that propelled the marriage. The couple—guided by their counselor—can relive those sentiments, which can help restore them.
Even if the marriage exacerbated issues that had not previously surfaced or been given enough attention, this process can reawaken those positive feelings, lower the emotional thermometer, and allow for some space, no matter how small, for a dialogue based on logic and common sense to enter.
As an additional method for accomplishing a possible reconciliation, it can
be helpful to implement the following technique. Each spouse should separately take a pad and pen and write down their three most serious concerns. The first should be the most serious and the third the least serious. The couple should then address these concerns one by one in ascending order, beginning at No. 3.
After a thorough discussion and resolution of concern No. 3 with a sincere meeting of minds, the discussion can move on to the No. 2 concern and follow through with the same procedure to No. 1.
A note: Concern No. 3 should be the barometer to both the therapist and the couple, in order to detect if there is any reasonable possibility for reconciliation. If they cannot reconcile on this, their least important concern, then a discussion on “Where do we go from here” is appropriate. The therapist can suggest that the couple go home, discuss future options, and return in a week with a response.
To conclude, life is a constant process of comparisons, which is a double-edged sword. It can be used to motivate one to do better and become better or it can bring about envy and jealousy. Life is also a continuing process of actions producing reactions in all interactions. This is particularly important in a 24/7/365 marital relationship, which is unique because it is a highly personal and intimate relationship.
There are three keys to opening the doors to an enjoyable and happy married life:
1. An in-depth understanding of marriage;
2. A genuine acceptance of obligations and responsibilities;
3. An exceptional friendship, and not merely acquaintance.
All three keys are important and play a major role in marriage. However, a truly sincere and genuine friendship is what creates the commitment, trust and respect that is the strong foundation, the terra firma, upon which a strong marriage rests.
Note that when couples fall out of love, they do not necessarily hate each other. The opposite of love is not hate; it is apathy. This is a very potent poison.
A couple in distress should fight apathy and turn to a psychologist, psychotherapist or a certified marriage counselor (who should themselves be married and be able to display an impressive experiential history.
When all else fails, the divorce process remains an option and may even be an imperative. But with the proper guidance and attitude, couples can turn the apathy to empathy and recapture their lost paradise. Perhaps that is why, under the chuppah, we bless the couple, and pray that they should be as happy as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We hope that the couple can look into each other’s eyes, and really feel that there is no one else in the world.
(Dear Reader: Thank you for spending time with this eider. It is much appreciated, ending with congratulations and mazel tov to the beautiful brides and handsome grooms, and wishing all a long, happy life filled with an abundance of good health till at least 120 years. In gratitude, warmest regards and best wishes to all. Shalom, shalom, stay safe and take care.—HNL)
Dr. Lieberman, a board-certified chiropractor, has an interest in psychoanalytic theory. To that end, he earned a master of science degree in psychology and attended the Institute for Psychoanalysis.
