The Summer Olympics have begun and, notwithstanding Covid restrictions, the games already have been filled with excitement and intrigue. Of course, the Olympics are primarily about athletic achievement but, from a Jewish perspective, wouldn’t it be more interesting if the Olympics were about culinary conquests? Wouldn’t the average fresser forgo a biathlon or decathlon for a food-athlon? In that spirit, below is a list of Olympic events and possible counterparts for the Ochel Olympics.
Triple Jump
In the Olympics, the triple jump is a track and field event wherein competitors run down the track and perform a hop, a bound and then a jump into a sand pit. In the Ochel Olympics, the triple jump is an event wherein competitors race to consume a triple decker deli sandwich and then jump into a car to reach the bakery before it closes. This event is also known as “The Fress Test.”
Floor Exercise
In the Olympics, the floor exercise is a gymnastics event in which movements are performed on the floor. In the Ochel Olympics, the floor exercise is when contestants, after gorging on a smorgasbord, dance the hora for hours on end in hopes of shedding a few pounds before feasting on a sit-down meal. The event is also known as “The Jewish Wedding.”
Breaststroke
In the Olympics, the breaststroke is a swimming style. In the Ochel Olympics, the breaststroke is a competition wherein the contestants try to have a “stroke” of genius in creating a novel chicken “breast” recipe. This event is also known as “White Meat Madness.”
BMX Freestyle
In the Olympics, BMX Freestyle is a discipline wherein the riders perform routines which consist of sequences of executing tricks on flat ground, in the streets, on dirt jumps, a halfpipe or on ramps. In the Ochel Olympics, BMX Freestyle is when a group of bar mitzvah (BM) boys, 10 (X) in total, compete in free-form improvisation to deliver the most enthralling d’var Torah imaginable, one that is truly worthy of a siddur or kiddush cup courtesy of the sisterhood. This event is also known as “The Boys-to-Men Biathlon.”
Cross Country Running
In the Olympics, cross country running is a sport in which teams and individuals run races on outdoor courses over natural terrain. In the Ochel Olympics, participants start on the West Coast and, as they make their way to the East Coast, they must find a kosher meal in each state they enter. This event is also known as the “Chabad Housing Hussle.”
Judo
In the Olympics, judo is a form of martial art wherein the objective is to either throw or take down an opponent to the ground, immobilize or otherwise subdue an opponent with a pin, or force an opponent to submit with a joint lock or a choke. In the Ochel Olympics, judo refers to competitive challah-baking. This event is also known as “Jew-Dough.”
Table Tennis
In the Olympics, table tennis is a sport in which two or four players, using paddles, hit a lightweight ball back and forth across a table and over a net. In the Ochel Olympics, table tennis occurs when guests arrive at a catered event without table assignments and then vy for seating as if their social happiness depends on it, which usually is the case. This event is also known as “Meshuga Musical Chairs.”
Pole Vault
In the Olympics, the pole vault is a track and field event in which an athlete uses a long and flexible pole, usually made from fiberglass or carbon fiber, as an aid to jump over a bar. In the Ochel Olympics, the pole vault is an event wherein contestants search for a giant metal safe containing recipes for iconic Polish kosher cuisine including borscht, schav and chrain. This event is also known as “No Pain, No Chrain.”
Steeplechase
In the Olympics, the steeplechase is an obstacle race which requires runners to surmount a series of barriers and water obstacles. In the Ochel Olympics, the steeplechase is a race which requires runners to chase after a kosher caterer who is attempting to set up a synagogue kiddush. This event is also known as “The Kings of Kiddush.”
Weightlifting
In the Olympics, weightlifting is a sport in which the athlete attempts a maximum-weight single lift of a barbell loaded with weight plates. In the Ochel Olympics, weightlifting is when the world’s greatest chazzers devour for hours in hopes of gaining the most weight. This event is also known as “A Typical Jewish Affair.”
Final thought: In the Olympics, the top three in each event receive a medal: bronze, silver and gold. In the Ochel Olympics, the winners also receive medals: pareve (made out of tuna fish), milchig (made out of a cheese blintz) and fleishig (made out of chopped liver).
By Jonathan Kranz
