“Welcome to the International Temple and Community Home for Elementary Simontology,” read the sign above the entrance to the massive stone building. ITCHES was the last stop on Rami’s journey, and he was excited that the end was in sight. For 1,527 days, Rami Tapuach (who hoped soon to be Rami Tapuach, PhD) traveled the globe studying hundreds of religions, large and small. Rami studied the followers’ behavior and hoped to use the observations to write his doctoral thesis.
As he entered the intimidating building, Rami was immediately struck by the sheer number of people that filled the lobby. He had just recently learned about Simontology, and based on his research, Rami expected a mostly empty building. He knew that Tuesday was the holiest day for Simontologists, when all followers of Simon came to the Temple to play (that isn’t a typo; their service was called “playing,” not “praying”). Considering that he arrived on a Wednesday afternoon, Rami didn’t expect much of a crowd. However, the room was full of men and women of all ages.
The second thing Rami noticed was the awkward way the Simontologists carried themselves. Some were hopping on one foot, others stood with hands on their heads, while a few spun in circles as they walked. As Rami stood gawking at this unexpected sight, a boy of about 10 years approached him. “Welcome to our temple,” began the child while flapping his arms like a chicken, “can I help you with anything?” Rami wasted no time asking this young player a number of questions, all of which the boy answered patiently and without giving his arms a rest. Rami was amazed at the kindness and maturity shown by this boy and thanked him for being so helpful.
Here are a few of the facts Rami learned about Simontology from his first Simontologist “friend:” Although Simontologists follow set customs and rituals like many religions, they still may receive alternate instructions from the great Simon. For example, that very morning, the members of ITCHES woke to text messages that read “Simon says today is a day for playing at the Temple.” They also received personal instructions regarding their movements (“Simon says flap your arms like a chicken all day”). Rami also found out that Simontologists were well known for their charity, humility and positivity. When he asked what motivates the members of ITCHES to be such good people, the answer was exactly as expected—“because Simon says so.”
A few minutes later, a bell rang, signaling the start of play time. Everyone in the building began to file into the main auditorium, so Rami followed and found himself a seat, or at least stood next to one. Every person in the room remained standing, silently staring at the stage at the front of the room. After what felt like an hour (but was actually 12 minutes), a small man in a bright yellow robe walked to the center of the stage, stopped, and turned toward the crowd. Then, in a deep and scratchy voice, he spoke. “Please be seated.” Nobody moved except Rami, and thankfully a woman in the front, whose attempt to sit down distracted everyone from Rami. “Cheryl,” said the man with a slight chuckle, “when will you learn?” The crowd chuckled along while Cheryl’s face turned bright red. “Simon says, please be seated.” Everyone, Rami included, took their seats.
At this point, Rami knew the man in yellow was Simon himself. For the next 15 minutes, Simon spoke words of inspiration to his followers, some of which made complete sense, some of which seemed outright brilliant, while others made no sense to Rami at all. After the speech concluded, Simon handed out instructions to individuals and groups, all introduced by the phrase “Simon says.” Once again, some of these instructions made complete sense, while others seemed to be completely insane. Why was Simon instructing a group of men to catch fish for dinner using only a tape measure and bubble gum? Why did that woman in the front row need to write a poem about the Olympics that was exactly 720 words long? However, each person Rami asked about these curious directives gave the same response—“if Simon says, that’s enough for me.”
Throughout the next few days, Rami interviewed a number of Simontologists, but most seemed happy doing whatever Simon said. A few pointed out that Simon was an extremely special human being, and responsible for the most amazing community in the world. Rami truthfully couldn’t argue with this fact; he truly felt that the International Temple and Community Home for Elementary Simontology was a fantastic place to spend time. The members of this community were giving, kind, smart, fun and seemed truly happy. This Simon fellow seemed to be a fantastic role model, and everyone’s life was better off following in Simon’s ways.
However, a few Simontologists had their doubts. Speaking with Rami in secret, these community members expressed concern over the instructions Simon had recently been giving out. “Simon has said some pretty crazy things lately,” said one woman. “How can he make so much sense half the time and sound completely crazy the other half?” asked a man who refused to give his name. “Somebody is going to get hurt.” The more he spoke to certain people, the more Rami began to see a different side of Simontology.
Then, two weeks into Rami’s visit, the most shocking instructions in the history of ITCHES were handed out. “Charlie Carter!” called Simon to a teenager sitting in the front row, “Simon says to eat a peanut butter sandwich for lunch!” A gasp shot through the crowd and Charlie turned white as a ghost. “But Your Excellency, I am allergic to peanut butter. It might kill me.” Simon was not fazed. “Simon says to eat this peanut butter sandwich for lunch!” Simon tossed a plastic bag to the boy, who caught it. “Yes, sir,” said Charlie, as he brought the sandwich to his lips.
At that moment, Rami sprang into action. He ran across the room, pushing people out of the way left and right. “No, Charlie! Don’t eat that!” he yelled, but as he attempted to get closer, the crowd began to chant. “Simon says. Simon says. Simon SAYS!” They were too many for Rami, who now found himself held down and unable to move. He could only watch in horror as Charlie took one bite, then two, then three. A look of surprise spread across Charlie’s face. “This isn’t peanut butter; it’s chocolate spread!” The crowd immediately plunged into a stunned silence as they all turned to the stage. Simon met their shocked faces with a warm smile.
“My dear followers, in Parshat Lech Lecha, Avram visits Egypt and lies to the Egyptians. He tells them that Sarai is his sister so that they don’t kill him to take Sarai away. This happens again in Parshat Va’eira when Avraham visits Gerar. Why is he so suspicious of these people? As Avraham tells Avimelech, ‘only because there is no fear of God here.’ It doesn’t matter if a community does the right things if it has no deeper purpose behind it. You only listen to me because it has worked out for you to listen. But what happens if I ask you to do something terrible? Are you willing to make decisions based on something deeper? Based on what is right? My dear friends, we can do better, and we will. Let us work together to find purpose.
Yair Daar is the middle school dean of students at Yeshivat He’Atid. He can be reached at [email protected].
