Welcome back to “How Should I Know?”—the only column in The Link that is just like my regular column, but other people come up with the topics for me.

Dear Mordechai,

Why does no one really do anything for Purim Katan? At least on Pesach Sheni we try to have a piece of matzah.

MK

Dear M,

Because we know ourselves. There’s no way people will do a smaller version of Purim and leave it at that without blowing it out of proportion. Purim itself is supposed to be a smaller version of Purim, but we just can’t help ourselves. Put it this way: We’re supposed to give two minim to one person.

So what should we do on Purim Katan? Give one min? A half a person? Give people things that aren’t nosh, such as foods they need anyway? “OK, I picked up some groceries for you.”

Or how about if we all just give our neighbors back the food that we borrowed from them? “Here is that egg and a stick of margarine.”

Can we tell people to just drink a little bit?

Right.

At least with Pesach Sheni, no one’s going to go overboard. No one is going to gorge on the matzah. People eat one piece of matzah, but there’s no one who says, “This doesn’t feel like enough. I’m going to clean the entire house again! Let’s make the entire meal out of potatoes! Why is my kittel still at the cleaners?”

As far as I know, nothing actually happened on Purim Katan. It’s not a real day. It’s more like, “Oops; it’s too early in the year for Purim. It’s 10 degrees outside! Purim is postponed until the weather’s nicer.”

But nothing happened. It’s not like we had a minor victory, like Haman’s plans got postponed for a month:

“Oh wait, there are two Adars this year? I can’t believe this! I messed up the whole pur! No one’s going to know what date to kill the Jews! This whole thing is going to be a disaster! OK, I hope everyone just decides it’s too cold.”

And anyway, we do celebrate it in some ways, according to halacha. For example, according to many poskim, we’re not supposed to fast! Woo hoo! I don’t actually fast on most days, though. I suppose in the old days, when people didn’t always have something to eat, Purim Katan was one of those days where the rabbis said, “Well, at least try to eat. Let’s put it this way: Don’t fast on purpose.” But I guess for me, every day is Purim Katan.

I also found a Mishna in Megillah that says there is no difference between Purim and Purim Katan except for kriyas megillah and matanos l’evyonim. So what I get from that is that we can totally wear costumes. To work, obviously, because I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the vacation days for a second Purim.

And yes, there are some who say that we should have a little bit more of a seudah. But that’s not really something that’s specific to Purim. It’s not like matzah on Pesach Sheni or fruit on Tu B’Shevat. I can eat a little more food ANY day. No one’s going to see me helping myself to a second piece of cake and go, “Whoa! It must be Purim Katan!”

Also, does it count if no one really knows to do it? We don’t even do as much as we do for George Washington’s birthday. I don’t do much for George Washington’s birthday, but the stores have sales, so that’s something. There are no Purim Katan sales. That’s how I know no one does anything. There are even Tu B’Shevat sales.

At least on Tu B’Shevat we eat fruit, and we’re not even trees. (I had something called dry watermelon. Do you know what percentage of watermelon is water? There was nothing in the package! But at least it was seedless.)

The only other holiday that has no sales is Pesach Sheni, and you’d think there would be, because they have all that extra Pesach food to get rid of. Who’s still buying that shmurah matzah that you can’t lower the price a little?

Got a question for “How Should I Know?” Maybe wait ‘til I’m sober.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].