There is something truly beautiful going on in Bergen County, New Jersey. Young Orthodox singles from rival towns are meeting and dating. Often, within a matter of only months, these Romeos and Juliets are deciding to take the big leap. All of this is happening right before our very eyes and it is nothing short of a blessing for the Jewish people and our local caterers.
However, getting engaged to a crosstown rival is not always seamless or hassle-free. Families from different towns might have different minhagim when it comes to engagement parties, weddings and other related celebrations. These differences can make a seemingly innocent and uncontroversial shidduch feel more like West Side Story. That said, even as the tension around the betrothed couple builds, cooler heads ultimately prevail and the focus quickly shifts back to the miracle of matrimony.
For a moment, let’s dive deep into the pre-simcha drama of crosstown love. To facilitate this experience, we will use some of Leonard Bernstein’s brilliant songs from the original West Side Story movie (1961) and some of Stephen Sondheim’s equally brilliant lyrics. But, we will transform them to fit a hypothetical scenario in which Nechama, a girl from Teaneck, meets Tuvi, a boy from Englewood. The two meet on the Upper West Side through a matchmaker and, on their first date, it is love at first sight. A smitten Tuvi, to the tune of “Maria,” sings:
Nechama!
I just met a girl named Nechama,
And suddenly I’ve found
How wonderful a shidduch
Can be.
Nechama!
I just got engaged to Nechama,
And soon it’ll be “see ya”
To our shomer negiah,
Whoopee!
Tuvi and Nechama are madly in love but their respective families are not thrilled. Nechama’s Teaneck family wants her to marry a Teaneck boy and they playfully challenge her pro-Englewood views. To the tune of “America,” they sing:
NECHAMA
I like to be in Englewood
Yofi by me in Englewood
Everything freilich in Englewood
NECHAMA’S FAMILY
No kosher food in Englewood
NECHAMA’S SISTER
I think I’ll go back to Teaneck
NECHAMA
I know a bus you can go get (Shalom!)
NECHAMA’S SISTER
Everyone will greet us with big zeal
NECHAMA
Everyone’s moving to Bergenfield
[Epic dance-off in extra-long tznius skirts]
NECHAMA
Route 4 zooms in Englewood
Synagogues bloom in Englewood
Real estate booms in Englewood
NECHAMA’S FAMILY
There is no room in Englewood
Nechama and Tuvi cannot stand the constant family bickering and are desperate for peace, so they seek assistance from their shadchan, Chani. When they finally find Chani, they start singing to her to the tune of “Gee, Officer Krupke”:
Dear Matchmaker Chani,
You gotta understand:
We’ve got our own minhagim
When you enter our land.
Our mothers will not break
Our fathers will not bend.
Golly, Chani, naturally we’re spent!
Gee, Matchmaker Chani,
We’re really upset.
Our crazy parents make us want to go get a get.
Gee, Matchmaker Chani,
What are we to do?
Gee, Matchmaker Chani,
Nu? . . . Nu?
Despite Matchmaker Chani’s intervention, the growing tension between the Teaneck and Englewood clans is palpable. Making matters worse, a huge machloket erupts over the food to be served at the engagement party. On the night of the party, Tuvi and Nechama try to focus on each other but their families, singing to the tune of “Tonight (Quintet),” angrily march into a catering clash:
ENGLEWOOD
Our family’s gonna go pareve, tonight.
TEANECK
Our family’s gonna go hungry, tonight.
ENGLEWOOD
The Teaneck people grumble: “Pareve night.”
But if they want fleishig,
We’ll put up a fight.
TEANECK
We’re gonna hand ‘em a surprise, tonight.
ENGLEWOOD
We’re gonna serve them milchig, tonight.
TEANECK
We said, “O.K., no milchig, and no dour.”
But just in case they trick us,
We’ll wait at least three hours.
Tonight!
Miraculously, however, the engagement party goes off without incident. The would-be adversaries check their grievances at the door and fully embrace the simcha. Tuvi and Nechama are overjoyed and want to express their Hakaras HaTov to all those in attendance. To the tune of “Tonight,” they sing:
Tonight
Tonight
Our families danced tonight
The horas hit and the worries went away
Tonight
Tonight
We’re only Jews tonight
Not a town
Not a feud
Scream “Hooray!”
Today
All day we had the feeling, a nes gadol would happen
We know now we were right
For here we are
And everyone is happy to be pareve
Tonight!
Final thought: Stay tuned for the next musical parody about an overly entertaining chatan. It’s called “Shtick, Shtick . . . Groom.”
Send comments or criticism to [email protected].
By Jon Kranz
