Much has been written about the shidduch crisis in the past few years. I personally think the word “crisis” should be reserved for an acute, immediate threat that must be countered with a swift, powerful response. This would be comparable to the story of Purim, a topic I’ll return to later. The shidduch crisis, on the other hand, is really a serious, chronic and systemic issue that requires individuals working together for a sustained period of time. But since the word “crisis” has been adopted, I’d like to raise awareness of the crisis within the crisis, the plight of older singles who exist outside of even the commonly discussed crisis zone.
Some friends and I have encountered this issue head-on as we approach community leaders to gather interest and support for an event we are holding March 7 in Highland Park for singles of ages 38 to 50. (Event and RSVP details can be found in my bio.) We already held a very successful event during Hanukkah for singles of ages 20 to 40 and hope to plan a successful one for ages 50-plus based on the momentum we get from our current planned event. Unfortunately, we have encountered many discouraging remarks from shadchanim and various other community leaders. “Oh, I don’t know anyone that would be interested.” “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t work with that age group.” “Oh, I don’t think there will be enough people there to matter.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
In an age when everyone talks about how much chesed there is and ponders why Moshiach hasn’t come yet, this is a blatant sign that there are many areas still in need of serious attention.
Although our Sages have always stressed the virtues and importance of marrying at an early age, they nevertheless never forgot about the individuals who didn’t always merit spouses right away. After all, Yitzchak Avinu did not marry until he was 40 (Breishit 25:20) and Yaakov was 84 when he finally married Leah and Rachel (Rashi, ibid 29:21). Our Sages also praised the righteous daughters of Tzelafchad for waiting 40 years to pursue marriage in order that the laws of inheritance could first be fully resolved (Bava Batra 119b).
And yet today many older singles find themselves in no man’s land. Having obtained financial self-sufficiency and not faced with any of the challenges associated with maintaining a healthy marriage and family, many singles who have never been married don’t fit a typical category of someone in need. Divorcees face the stigma that just because they were in a marriage that did not work out, they are somehow incapable or uninterested in a relationship that could. Thank God, there has been much attention in recent years to the plight of agunot and even the establishment of entire organizations and initiatives to help them obtain a get. But I wonder how much attention is given to the day after this difficult goal is achieved, as if somehow all of the other challenges divorcees face simultaneously and magically disappear along with it. And it should be noted that men are not always the ones holding back the process of putting a formal end to a troubled marriage. Finally, widows and widowers are often seen as just in need of tremendous pity rather than the added emotional boost a new, loving spouse could bring to them and their children.
So what can be done to address a tragedy which is not recognized as such? I can think of three things that we can focus on right now.
1. Be mindful of language. Many well-meaning people when trying to help older singles might suggest, “Oh, I have a great boy for you!” “Oh I have a great girl for you!” OK. Forget about the fact that we’re both over 35 and you are still calling us a boy and girl. Perhaps some older singles like being referred to as children, but I personally feel such language fails to recognize where an older single currently is and therefore will rarely be successful at getting them to the place they want to be. A 22-year old wife should appropriately be called a woman and someone older and not married yet should not be referred to in childish terms just because they are not married. Someone who really wants to help older singles get married should realize what our Sages have always stressed—our language influences our mindset and our mindset influences our capacity to improve situations.
2. Don’t claim you don’t know anyone. The fact is we are all connected and you probably know more individuals than you can think of at any given moment. I feel strongly that the reason the shidduch crisis developed in general, and for older singles in particular, is that people lost touch with the fact that just a generation ago, every Jew viewed himself as a shadchan. We often marvel during engagement parties and sheva brachot at the amazing hashgacha pratis that brought the couple together. Maybe others feel differently, but whenever I inquire about couples of previous generations—who met long before the shidduch crisis was ever an issue—somehow their stories sound no less miraculous. Our Sages have taught that ever since Creation, Hashem devotes special attention to this area (Breishit Rabba 68:4).
Our recognition of the hashgacha pratis evident in current matches speaks less to any heightened spiritual awareness on our part than to being so needlessly entrenched in an artificial system structured at every level to prevent these miraculous encounters from occurring as they have for the past 3,000 years. Admittedly, it’s nearly impossible for any individual alone to make a dent in the current system. However, what can be done is to live with the historical mindset that communities working together did actually manage to get their singles married—and amazingly without the use of shidduch resumes!
3. Don’t say, “Just keep praying. Eventually when the time is right your bashert will find you.” While we must internalize that the value and effect of prayer is tremendous and that there is such a thing as expending too much natural effort in the area of shidduchim, as is the case in every area of life, I assure you, this is something older singles have heard countless times and do not require any reminders. If you want to bring up the issue of prayer, ask older singles for their names in order to pray for them or better yet, let them know of other singles you know so they can pray and be merits for each other (see Bava Kamma 92a).
Which brings me back to the example of Purim, a time when the right dose of prayer and action successfully resulted in the joyful salvation of the entire Jewish People. Well, not quite. Esther, the one who made the most heroic efforts, now found herself stuck in one of the worst marriages imaginable. She sacrificed everything to allow the rest of the Jewish People another chance to renew their commitments to Hashem and others as well as provide ways for everyone to be recognized and valued. Let’s not let her tremendous sacrifice now be in vain.
Ari Blinder is a mathematician and educator living in Highland Park. He can be reached at [email protected] for general comments or inquiries about the March 7 event. Also you can visit: https://www.singleseventhp.com/.
