Recently I noticed a very sincere post sharing the excitement of a first child becoming engaged and questioning what the responsibility of each set of parents is regarding the costs of a wedding and the many extras that in our culture seem to have become de rigueur.

I was impressed with the candor of the questioner as well as by the many responses.

I thought back to years ago when our eldest child became a kallah. We were quite young and absolutely had no experience in what the rights and wrongs were in such a situation. I remember the discussion as if it was yesterday. Our daughter would have a wedding regardless of whether or not the other side would be partaking in the cost. We never met them prior to the engagement. We were out of town and they were out of town. In both cases it was the first child to marry. The significant difference was that it was not their eldest child to marry, they were significantly older than us and were in a totally different financial bracket than we were. All we wanted to be sure of was that our daughter would be happy on her wedding day. Our telephone conversations prior to meeting were always cordial and lovely and they were effusive in telling us how much they loved our daughter. After we met, a relationship of love, mutual respect and honor began.

Many times our soon to be son in law would ask us if his parents had spoken to us about contributing to the wedding and we answered that they had not. He frequently asked us to speak with them and we always said that when they wanted to discuss it we would be happy to.

Finally one day they told us that they were planning to contribute a certain amount of money for the wedding, and would match that amount by giving the same amount to our children. The bride was in Stern and the groom in Einstein. We thanked them profusely and never discussed it again.

Regardless of the amount of their contribution, we were determined not to allow that to interfere in any way with our relationship with them and the bond that we would one day share in the love of our future grandchildren and the warmth and honor that we felt towards each other and still do. The dollar amount did not matter.

It has to be truly complicated for two families that have never met to suddenly make major decisions regarding money. Our concern was only to have respect and shalom. It worked out beautifully for us.

I asked my Mordechai many times to tell me in which sefer was written the halachot of what to give the kallah from her grandparents, mother in law, chattan etc etc. I wonder if chazal took into consideration that maybe not every kallah likes sterling silver. Back in those days it was the “norm” for the chattan to give the kallah pearls in the yichud room. I remember once receiving a telephone call from a solicitor asking for money for a particular kallah because her chattan did not have enough money to buy her pearls. Ouch, that really got to me. Mention pearls to young girls about to get married today and watch the look of revulsion on their faces.

Let’s not forget the sefer which implies that the chattan must be given a watch by the kallah and of course a set of gemaras, a kittel and a tallit before the wedding from the parents of the bride.

Honestly if one could only remove oneself from the entire situation … Isn’t it sort of nauseating? I almost forgot the necessity of the engagement ring. Is one not allowed to celebrate until the ring is on that fourth finger of the left hand?

I love to give gifts. I love to surprise people with special treats. I especially enjoy catering to those who do not have many who would extend special attention to them. I detest being told what one has to give in this new life that we all partake in. Aren’t spontaneous, well thought out gifts much more appreciated than those that people feel are coming to them?

I am not even going to go near the topic of who buys the furniture, who supports the couple, who pays for the well needed vacations etc for the poor young couple that is just starting out either in school or in their chosen field of employment. What happened to the idea that if one is old enough to get married and assume responsibility of taking care of a spouse should mean that they are also able to take care of each other financially? Yes, I know all of the criticisms that one could throw at me. We, the frum world, have created a generation of entitlement that allows our young people to have it all without any sense of financial responsibility. Honestly we could never have done that and had no regrets in the relationships and closeness that we have attained with our children and their families. I do worry for everyone. How long can this go on?

Credit cards, telephone plans, insurance plans and so much else are in the name of the parents of the younger generation making that plunge into marriage. Wow, what an amazing world.

When we were married we could not rent a car because we were too young to drive to Boston for our Sheva Brachot. Finally we found one company that agreed to rent to us. After our wedding we immediately rendezvoused at 501 W 184 Street Apt 6G. For us it was a honeymoon. We were together and it would be forever on our own.

To the lady who gave me the idea for this column when asking the innocent and charming question of what to expect now that her daughter or son was about to become engaged, I applaud you for seeking advice and I note that you mentioned that you wanted to be generous, but my words of advice to you are that the most important decisions that must be made for a chattan and kallah prior to their wedding is your resolve to realize that, no matter what, your future daughter/son in law’s parents are going to play a role in their life and your role is to try hard to make it work for all of you. Aim to respect and honor them and by doing that you will also be teaching your children an important lesson.

Nina Glick can be reached at [email protected].