At a Singles Exposition in New York City where I was a guest speaker on the topic “Coping with the Dating Game” many years ago, approximately 3,500 never-marrieds, divorced, separated, and widowed gathered to meet each other, listen to lectures geared to their interests, and talk to coordinators or sales representatives at 108 booths catering to their specific needs. Most frequently represented among these booths were a variety of dating services differing from each other in approach and cost, but having one common goal: getting their clients back into the boy-meet-girl scenario.
Nowadays, singles of all faiths go online to a variety of dating websites, some of which are specifically geared towards Jewish clientele of various religious backgrounds, e.g. Jdate.com which began in 1997. This website claims that tens of thousands of singles interact each day on their website but does not give statistics with regard to successful matches. Jwed.com (formerly Frumster.com), which limits itself to Orthodox singles, claims 2,370 successful matches since inception. There are another 15 or so websites geared to Jewish men and women of all ages who wish to meet. Online seekers of dates have to protect themselves by scrutinizing carefully and assuring themselves that what they are reading from their correspondent is true and that he is who he says he is.
My remarks are geared to people who are marriage-minded and who have been seriously looking for five years or more, especially those who have never been married.
Unbeknown to the serious single, he/she is often involved in a never-ending quest which takes on meaning of its own and soon begins to fulfill its own circular course. As long as the person continues to initiate and terminate relationships he feels he is coming closer to his goal. Unfortunately he is not. Instead of dating for mating, he is dating for dating.
An attractive young man came for a psychological consultation because he had a strong desire to marry but just couldn’t connect with a woman. He had dated scores of females, spoken to hundreds, and scanned thousands at the numerous universities, social events, lectures, weekends and other meeting places he had frequented. He was a sensitive, introspective person and analyzed each person’s merits and faults with exquisite exactitude. While giving me specific reasons for rejecting one woman after another, it appeared that his reasons were rationalizations, i.e., not the real reason, but some minor fault that his active mind had dredged up to a level of justifiability. After a few months of psychotherapy it became clear that there was a pattern in his dating relationships. An exploration of the “method in his madness” revealed that he was greatly attracted to self-confident aggressive women, but when the relationship didn’t work out, he sought a completely opposite type—a passive, quiet person.
When the latter failed, he reverted to the successful aggressive type. He couldn’t understand why he flitted from one extreme to another, nor why he couldn’t find peace with either type.
In therapy he discovered that his mother was a composite of the two extremes he had been seeking. At times she had been strong and self-reliant, at other times helpless and dependent. Apparently he was attracted to each mode, but for a variety of reasons also repelled by them. He was involved in a classical approach-avoidance conflict (attracted and repelled by the same thing), but worse, in a double approach-avoidance conflict. This insight helped him understand that his problem was not an external one, viz., lack of meeting sufficient number of prospective mates, but rather an internal one, viz., an unconscious conflict.
As we further explored his relationship with his mother, it evolved that he didn’t think she was very good as a wife, and didn’t think his father was very happy in his marriage. This provided another damper on his wish to get married inasmuch as he feared that no woman he would meet would make him a good wife either. Further inquiry revealed a number of other anxieties about marriage, stemming in part from his own insecurities going back to childhood experiences and self-perceptions both at home and at school. This man eventually learned why the stimulus of a single woman could so activate his brain with so many “approach her” messages, and at the same time with so many “avoid her” messages. Psychotherapy revealed to him the confusing cacophony that led to frustration, fatigue, and great disappointment.
This young man’s problem is all too common and affects both sexes. The marriage-minded single will consciously and truly believe that “I haven’t met the right person yet,” and will continue to date and date. But on an unconscious level, the perceived contradictory signals, and flashing reactions that command “approach” “avoid” spell out a much more complicated drama. When dating for mating becomes dating for dating it is time to do some serious introspection to discover the processes that underlie this futile circular behavior.
Reuben E. Gross, Ph.D., is a NJ dually licensed Psychologist and Marriage Counselor. He is a Fellow, Academy of Clinical Psychology and a Diplomate in Psychotherapy A.B.P., and A.B.P.P. Dr. Gross has a private practice in Teaneck, NJ. Letters, comments and questions are invited. [email protected]. To read more articles on related topics go to Dr. Gross’ website: www.MarriageCounselorNJ.com.
By Reuben E. Gross, Ph.D.
