Here’s a pretty common scenario: Your child comes home from school. You ask him, “Who did you play with today?” The answer you often get is, “Nobody.” Before you panic, thinking your child has no friends, and that the answer always seems to be the same, take a step back, and think about the following: Your child may need a while to unwind after a long school day and may only be ready to have a conversation a little later. Another thought: If your child were older, he may have clarified, and said, “No one in particular; I played with a bunch of kids today.” These possibilities would have put a whole new spin on the situation. Without taking a breath and considering this, you may have freaked out (just a little bit) from the news that your child has no friends, and called your parents, spouse, and friends to ask what should be done about this awful situation. In retrospect, after evaluation the situation, you would be comfortable in the knowledge that your child navigated socially, through calm waters, happily playing with several friends, in pairs or groups.
If your child frequently comes home from school reporting that s/he has no friends and doesn’t want to go to school anymore, ask open-ended questions leading to a clearer picture of his/her day, as s/he sees it. “What are your favorite centers and activities in your classroom? Who are the children you would like to play with? Did you ask some friends if you may play with them? Did you ask a friend to join in what you were doing? Did you ask your teacher to help you?”
As you know, your child’s teacher spends more waking hours with your child during the school week than you do, so your next step would be to ask the teacher what s/he observes in the classroom. S/he is best equipped to objectively convey what is going on in school. Although the school year has come to an end, and the teacher has given you progress reports throughout the year, s/he will certainly be willing to answer any question you may have. After learning about how your child functions socially in school, ask the teacher what s/he would suggest. Often, the next step may be planning a play date after school or on the weekend.
Play dates are great opportunities to observe your child in a social setting. Involve your child in planning the play date. Get some suggestions from your child about it. Do not invite too many friends at once, since it may be too overwhelming for you and/or your child. If play dates are successful, mix it up a little by inviting different friends, or adding a friend to an already successful social grouping. Asking for ideas about the play date will empower and encourage your child. “Would you like to invite a friend or two for a play date? What activity would you like to do with your friends? What healthy snacks do you think your friends would like to have?” This conversation may be all your child needs to ease him/her out of a momentary slump, and s/he will probably look forward to playing with friends in his/her own home.
If the idea of play dates does not seem comfortable for your child, or if a play date does not go particularly well, then going somewhere with a friend and having an experience together outside the home may be a fun adventure. It is important that you see your child in different social settings, having new experiences, and making and keeping friends. We will explore ideas on making and keeping friends in upcoming articles.
Sariva Sklar is a Certified Family Coach, educator, and artist. She coaches adults, couples, and children, in a creative and relaxed setting. You may reach Sariva at 201-836-4227, or [email protected]
By Sariva Sklar
