For the past 10 years, my friend and I have planned to write a book. This was not going to be the next War and Peace; neither of us is Tolstoy, but we came up with a great idea. Since we were both mothers of sons only, we knew that sometime in the very, very distant future we would, Lord willing, become mothers-in-law. We knew that without daughters to back us up and give us support, we would have to come up with a plan, a plan to succeed where very few women have succeeded before us…a plan to become (insert Law and Order music here) the perfect mothers-in-law. (The word perfect is a little strong, but you can only go down from perfect and it is inevitable anyway and perfect sounds better than adequate or fair-to-poor mother-in-law.) That was going to be the title of the book: How to Be the Perfect Mother-in- Law. We were hoping it would be in the nonfiction section, but chances are, it would end up in self-help or humor.

So for 10 years, when we would run into each other, we would discuss when we were going to sit down and write this masterpiece. We had a whole game plan: parlor meetings for mothers-in-law who are lucky enough to live in the same communities as their daughters-in-law and how they make it work; contests for the best mother-in-law horror stories… Our book was going to begin with the line from the gemara that says a son should leave his mother and cling to his wife (give me a minute, I can’t stop laughing…okay, I am good now). Our plan was in motion, but then she had a bar mitzvah to plan or I had a bar mitzvah to plan or basically, life got in the way and the years went by. And then, as if it just popped out of thin air, her son got engaged.

Of course, this was not out of thin air, we had been discussing this book for a decade, but there it was…she was going to become an actual mother-in-law. Holy cow, when did that happen?

So the night before the engagement party, I sat down and wrote the following chapter. I skipped ahead from the introduction, the dating phase, and anything else we might have come up with together and I wrote this…

Chapter One: Getting Engaged

The time has come. Your beloved son has found his beloved and it is no longer you. But that is okay because you will always be his very first love. What is a mother of sons to do? How do we transform from being the only woman to being the “other” woman? Ladies, we kill her with kindness. We help our boys pick out the most special ring (and we do not get ourselves a bigger or better ring like some mother-in-laws do–that is BAD BAD BAD!). She is the star, you are moving to the back of the line, and that is okay. Then we send flowers with a card that should read along the lines of “Dear so and so, we are so very honored and excited that you are going to be a part of our family, but more importantly, that you make our son so very, very happy. May your lives be filled with blessings and please know that we are always here for you.” Nice, meaningful, and to the point.

Then there is the question of the gift. Yes, she just got a beautiful engagement ring, but a nice touch is to get her a piece of jewelry. If money is an issue, find out what she wants and work with that. If money is not an issue, find out what she wants and work with that! (And do not say “I don’t buy myself jewelry, why should I buy her jewelry? Maybe the book should be about all of the things you shouldn’t do…) Dating was when your son wooed the girl (though continue to encourage him to woo her throughout their marriage), but engagement time is when the mother-in-law must woo the girl because we need to set the groundwork for a good, healthy relationship. Give her a choice of what to call you, because you are NOT nor will you EVER be her mother…give her some reasonable options and make it work (and try to avoid any name having the word “crazy” in it). And just remember, through everything just keep smiling because this girl is making your son smile…

Okay, that is the chapter on engagement. Husband #1 doesn’t think it is funny, and it isn’t supposed to be; it is supposed to be helpful because there are so many things that make marriage hard, having a horrible mother-in-law should not be one of them.

I love when other women in the “boys only” club tell me that at their sons’ weddings they were a nicely dressed piece of furniture. My friend and I are on a mission to change that perception (she said laughingly). In any event, we should only celebrate wonderful things, in good health, and the happy couple should continue to be so until 120. Amen!

By Banji Ganchrow