Dear Shuli,

I have a good friend who I have been friends with for many years. Over the past year or so, she’s been through a lot. She and her husband have separated and probably due to that, her son is now acting out and having a lot of trouble in school and socially. Every time we talk, which is probably about once a week, she goes on and on about her troubles. She never asks me what is going on in my life, and, while I try to help her and talk to her about her problems, for the past year it has been so one-sided. How can I begrudge lending her my ear? Yet, at the same time, this has all become so tedious and exhausting. I don’t have the energy in my life to keep listening to her tale of woe. How do I stay friends with her, but change the dynamic of our relationship?

Signed, Fed-up Friend

Dear Fed-up Friend,

You are quite in the pickle! On the one hand, you want to be supportive of your friend, on the other hand it’s hard being the ear, the sounding board and, it sounds like, the therapist. You want to maintain the connection and the friendship, but you want there to be an equal give-take relationship, which there doesn’t seem to be. It’s also difficult because your friend is clearly in distress. She needs the support and the friendship, so how do you get this to happen?

Well, unfortunately, it’s going to come down to a difficult conversation. It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to be fun, but it’s going to be best both for your friend and the friendship. You need to pick a good time to talk. It must be quiet—no kids taking your or her attention, no eating, laundry, or TV in the background. You both need to be in this conversation fully. Some would say that this would be best achieved by going out for coffee, but if you do have a phone relationship, it might be best to do it on the phone to allow her to hide some of her pain and embarrassment.

Now comes the hard part. In education, teachers are taught how to conduct parent-teacher conferences. We’re taught to first give out positive information, for instance, what do you love about your friend? How has she positively impacted on your life? Then we’re taught to be constructive, “I know you’re having a difficult time right now and I love being there for you, but I don’t think I’m the right person for the job.” Then, gracefully tell her about a therapist you heard about or point her to Jewish Family Services, http://www.jfsbergen.org/. Lastly, close the conversation with how much you love her and how much you want to maintain your close relationship. She might be hurt, but it truly is best to be straightforward and honest. It’s best for her, as she really needs a professional to help her through her crisis and it’s best for both of you to recreate your friendship as one which is healthy and well-balanced.

Signed, Shuli

Dear Shuli,

My son is a popular kid in his class but lately, his best friend in school is a boy who lives a couple of blocks away. We had him over for a play date and both his behavior and his language was not what I wanted for my son. What do I do? He’s only 6 and I’m concerned that my son will pick up his behaviors. And yet, I also want him to have the freedom to make his own friendships. Help!

Sincerely, Overprotective Mommy

Dear Mommy,

I’m not going to call you overprotective because you’re not. There’s a vast chasm between being an overprotective mom and one who is responsible. Caring for your children and their welfare is in your job description. You are your child’s advocate, his/her protector and teacher. You give over your values, morality and acceptable behavior. If you think that a child is being a bad influence on your son, do not have him over. When your son asks why, ask him if he could think of some reasons why you might not be enthralled with his choice of friend. Kids are smart, I have no doubt that he’ll know where you’re coming from. If he doesn’t “get it,” tell it to him straight; “I did not like the behavior that I saw when Benjy was at our house. I heard bad language and saw bad middos and that’s not how I want my son to act. So for now, we’re going to have play dates with other friends.”

However, you also have to realize that we all have “off” days. I would have a frank conversation with your son’s teacher. Discuss the concerns you have with your son’s friend. Is this behavior evident at school? Maybe it was just a one-time thing. Your teacher hopefully won’t divulge too much information about the other child, but she probably would not have any qualms about discussing whether or not this is a good play date choice for your son. Additionally, she may be able to facilitate different friendships at school, as well as advising you regarding different play dates for your son.

I wish you much luck in facilitating positive relationships for your son, as well as teaching him how to create and distinguish good friendships for himself. This is a lifelong lesson that many of us have yet to perfect. Too many of us stay in relationships that are not good for our neshamas. This is a much better lesson to learn when you’re young, rather than over and over as you age.

Signed, Shuli

Come sit on my couch. Ask me anything, no matter how simple or controversial. I’m around for everyone from the babies to the bubbies. Email me at [email protected] and let’s talk it out.