How often do we pass couples who appear to be very compatible? Of course we know that everyone has challenges-just getting the kids to school, work, shopping, meal preparations, and chores, can be a source of stress for every person and every marriage. Add to that, special needs children, pressure with a fast approaching work deadline, problems with relatives, etc. and you have the picture of an average American family. But even with that, it is really nice to pass people, perhaps on a Shabbat afternoon walk, who seem to be good together.
On the other hand, we all know of some couples who seem so hostile and angry, that we wouldn’t be at all surprised if we hear that they are getting divorced. We are pretty good at telling the difference. Or are we? How often do we hear of “perfect” couples getting divorced? Why are we surprised, sometimes shocked, when we come across couples who seemed to be doing well, only to find out that they are in the beginning of a bitter custody fight?
And what of the couples where one of them seems to be complaining bitterly about an abusive or cheating spouse? Or one where WE can see that he (or she) is acting very inappropriately, but the wife (or husband) doesn’t seem to be aware. Should we tell them? Most of us don’t but if it were us, we would be horrified to find out that our spouse is making a fool of us.
Generally we go on, though, pretty sure that we can tell. But can we? I often pass couples who look good together, that it fills me with pride to see marriages are working quite well. But then I read that marriages are dissolving, or falling apart at a frightening rate (currently 40 – 50%) or of a dramatic increase in the number of couples who have simply given up on marriage and live and sometimes raise children together without ever considering marriage (nearly half of women between the ages of 15 and 44 cohabited, compared to 34% in 1995). It seems likely, though, that those figures are representative of the population in general. In the orthodox world, divorce is likely closer to 10-15%. While a divorce rate of 3-4% might be ideal (some marriages simply cannot and will not work), it is probably an important, but very unlikely goal to hope to approach that number. It is telling, however, that one of the problems highlighted by the Aleinu Marital Satisfaction survey of the Orthodox Union and RCA, is unrealistic expectations in marriage and ,especially a lack of awareness of the problems that can and do arise in the area of intimacy. Several days ago I attended the annual conference of Nefesh, the International Association of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals. The attendees represented a wide range of orthodox clinicians – many kippt srugot, some attendees who were on the extreme left fringe, and an increasingly large number of members who wear shtreimels. I sat in on a session regarding marital therapy and differences in sexual expectations and desires. As I was looking around the room, it was impressive to me that the orthodox world is growing up and professionals can discuss matters of sexual desire and dysfunction very openly. There were some women on one side of the room, some men on the other and quite a few men and women sitting together in the middle. Included were also a fair number of Chassidishe men and women. Just a few years ago, such a session would have been given twice, one for the men and one for the women. While these matters are openly dealt with among professionals, many lay people are still largely ignorant and struggling in their marriages. We have lots of challenges to deal with. Probably more than anything else, is an awareness that stress and strain, sometimes very severe strain, is a part of many marriages and that we need to redouble our commitment and effort to keep going and over time, see some of the difficulty fall by the wayside and a relatively healthy marriage emerge.
We can be proud, even though sometimes terribly surprised, that we generally see orthodox couples with committed, even if sometimes struggling, marriages.
Please feel free to contact me regarding this (or any) topic. You can do so anonymously by writing to mordechaiglick_gmail.com
Dr Glick was a clinical psychologist as well as rabbi of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel. If you would like to contact him for an appointment, you can do so by writing to him at mordechaiglick_gmail.com or calling him at 201-983-1532.
Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick
