There’s a saying that when a child comes out of the closet, the parents go in. This isn’t always the case, but just as coming out as LGBTQ+ can be incredibly freeing, parents also need a space where they can unapologetically be themselves. For me and dozens of parents I’ve met over the past few years, this space is the Eshel Parent Retreat.
Held annually, the Eshel Parent Retreat brings together Orthodox parents from across the country for three days of education, support, camaraderie, advocacy, meaning and even fun. We are doctors and lawyers, therapists and educators, rabbis and community leaders (among many other roles), and we are moms and dads of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender children. The parent community grows every year as more and more kids feel comfortable sharing their identity with their parents, and parents look for communities that will embrace them and their children.
Our daughter, who is now 21, came out at 15. As a child, she didn’t see herself reflected in her Orthodox school or her shul. She didn’t know one out orthodox LGBTQ+ person, and she overheard a lot of negative talk about LGBTQ+ people. “I can’t believe so and so is gay, I feel bad for their parents” was heard at many a Shabbat table. Even though she knew we would be supportive, she was still afraid of letting us down.
I attended my first parent retreat because I wanted to learn how to create change in our community, so that there would be less stigma and more positive representation. I was very hesitant to attend at first. I told the friend who recommended Eshel, “I don’t need a support group, I’m fine having a queer kid.” And while I didn’t need a traditional support group, I soon learned that Eshel is much more than that. Eshel is creating spaces of belonging, for our LGBTQ+ children, and for us.
Being LGBTQ+ is just one facet of our children. Similarly, being a parent of an LGBTQ+ person is just one facet of us. For 362 days a year we juggle all aspects of parenting, but for these three days, we can really focus on this important role. For some parents, this is the first time they’ve told anyone aside from a spouse that they have kids who are LGBTQ+, and for many parents, it is terrifying. Parents come to the retreat with every emotion you can imagine. Some are nervous, some are sad, some are excited to be able to freely speak about their kids, and many are grieving the future they mapped out for their children.
At the retreat, we talk about tradition and halacha, schools and shuls. We share the joys and fears, frustrations and challenges that are unique to having LGBTQ+ kids in an Orthodox community. We share our hopes for what communities might look like in the future. We learn from parents who have come before us, and from members of the Orthodox LGBTQ+ community who help us understand what our kids experience.
We talk about being better advocates for our kids, how to influence our institutions on a grassroots level, and how to make changes so queer people don’t feel like they need to leave Orthodoxy to be themselves. The parents at the retreat are all different ages, with kids as young as elementary school, and other “kids” who are adults. Some have LGBTQ+ kids who are married or in relationships who want to discuss lifecycle events like weddings, and others are navigating things like summer camps and friendships. Many of our children have left Orthodoxy because they have not felt included or welcomed – according to Eshel’s most recent survey of parents, it’s a high percentage (67%) who have left – and we help parents navigate this fact. Other kids are integral members of their Orthodox communities, even serving on their shul boards.
My first Eshel retreat transformed me. I came home energized, focused and with a new circle of friends and support I didn’t think I needed. Over the years, we’ve had the privilege of learning from roshei yeshiva and high school principals who are working on changing communities, rabbis and community leaders who work with LGBTQ+ couples on lifecycle events, Orthodox pulpit rabbis and shul presidents who are gay and who show by their example that there can be and there is a place within Orthodoxy for our kids. This is new; many of them have thought for their whole lives that they needed to choose their religion or their identity. The more we work to pave a path for our kids, the more they will be able to see what their future can look like. Thanks to the work of Eshel, our kids are a lot luckier than my friends who came out 20+ years ago. While many LGBTQ+ people, parents, and families are still not able to be fully open, as a community we have successfully brought more awareness to the many Orthodox spaces where LGBTQ+ people are part of the fabric of their community. Our kids need more than just being tolerated. They need to be fully celebrated. And Eshel is creating a world where this is possible.
The 2025 Parent Retreat will be held at a beautiful retreat center in Baltimore, Maryland the weekend of May 8-11. Registration is open, and the retreat sells out fairly quickly, so please feel free to reach out if you’re interested or have any questions. This year, Eshel has created a fund for first time attendees in memory of Celia Kabakow. Everything discussed is completely confidential so if you have an LGBTQ+ child, whether or not you, or they, are able to be out yet, I urge you to join us for what I hope will be a transformative weekend.
Please reach out to me, or to Eshel, if you have any questions.
Visit https://www.eshelonline.org
Stefanie Diamond is a Teaneck parent and photographer.
