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p style=”text-align: justify;”>How do I control my son’s rebellious behavior? Why is my daughter so sensitive and emotional? Why does my child lock himself in his bedroom from the moment he comes home from school? These are just a few of the questions I frequently hear from parents who are worried about their children and who aren’t sure what to do to help them. What mothers and fathers in my practice have found most helpful is learning how to identify signs and symptoms of emotional distress in their kids so that they can better support them. For example, I recently saw a mom for therapy who was very upset about her son’s acting-out behavior. He was coming home late, seemed very angry and wouldn’t open up to her despite her best efforts. After some education about depression in kids his age, this client’s perspective changed and she was able to approach her son differently. This time, he was much more open to the support she was offering him. This is just one of many examples, but there are a few common themes. Here are a few of the things to look out for if you suspect that your child may be suffering from some form of emotional distress, and some suggestions about how to address them:

1. They may act out: Many kids have trouble expressing their emotions in words, and so they use actions instead. Depending on their age, these actions vary but many times the behaviors are concerning to parents. It can be something like calling out in class, hitting their younger siblings or disobeying their curfew. Regardless of the specific circumstance, it’s important to consider what the child’s underlying emotions are. Most kids don’t act out just to be bad. While our instinct may be to punish the child (and a punishment may be warranted), try starting with a conversation about what the child was thinking or feeling when they behaved poorly. More often than not, parents uncover an emotional issue that the child wasn’t able to address in a different manner, but by revealing the distress behind the behavior, parents can lend support to their child and help them get better.
2. They may complain of aches and pains: When a child complains of stomach pain or of a headache, it’s always a good idea to first see what their pediatrician has to say. But once a medical problem is ruled out, it’s important to think about what else might be causing their aches and pains. A lot of the time, parents learn that their kids are actually feeling anxious. Once the child gets the support that they need to address what makes them anxious, those aches and pains go away. They may return, but when this happens both the child and the parent are now well-equipped with tools and supports to help address them. Knowing what the problem is and what steps to take to address it reduces anxiety in and of itself.
3. Specific events can trigger stress: Just like adults who feel nervous before an important meeting at work, children can feel triggered by big events in their lives. Things that may seem small to us, like school plays, a play date with a new group of kids or a class presentation can be a really big deal to a child. That’s why it is essential for parents to check in with their kids as these types of situations approach. Ask them how they feel about it and invite them to share their worries with you if they have them. Encouraging kids, while avoiding adding too much pressure, is part of teaching them some tools to handle their nerves. Many kids do fine with the support of their parents alone, while others need more professional support. The key here is to check in and make sure that you acknowledge how big this event is for your child, no matter how trivial it may seem to you.
4. Kids are more aware than we think: Kids pick up on all kinds of emotional cues from their parents. If there is any conflict at home your children may show signs of emotional distress in response. Be sure to check in with your kids to see how they’re feeling about any tensions or changes going on in the home. Keep an eye out for the signs I discussed earlier in this article and be sure to support them emotionally as things at home evolve. Parents who might also be feeling upset about life at home may find it helpful to seek support as well, especially since our kids can often pick up on how we feel as parents and respond accordingly.

Parents know their children best and every child is different. Once parents are well-equipped with knowledge about what to look out for in their kids, most will be able to facilitate a conversation with their child and determine the best course of action to support them. I encourage parents to give careful and honest consideration about whether they can handle their child’s challenges on their own or of they need professional support. Whatever approach you choose, parents should feel good about taking steps towards happier and healthier lives for their children and families.

By Kira Batist-Wigod

 Kira Batist-Wigod is a social worker with a wide range of experience and training in cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma work and stress management. Kira specializes in treating people with chronic illnesses, depression and anxiety. She sees clients in her private practice on the Upper West Side and in New Jersey, where she also holds workshops on various topics. Kira also works at a medical center in the Bronx. Contact Kira by e-mailing [email protected] or by calling 917-765-4743. You can also visit her website at www.batistpsychotherapy.com.