Come join the Project S.A.R.A.H. (Stop Abusive Relationships At Home) virtual breakfast. We will be featuring noted cookbook author, Susie Fishbein, who will be cooking breakfast from her kitchen with you in yours. Also hear experts in the field such as Dr. David Pelcovitz, Senator Loretta Weinberg, Attorney Susan Weisen and Pam Jacobs (Director, New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence), speak about the importance of supporting this project.

The time we’re all spending together in close quarters can stress any relationship––especially one as intimate as marriage. Here are some tips to help support yourself, your spouse and your partnership during those inevitable bumps in the road.

1) Make time for self-care.

Any flight attendant would tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others. Relationship turbulence in these circumstances is inevitable. You are likely feeling a lot of pressure to manage online school schedules, keep everyone fed and nurture your loved ones, but reserving time for yourself can make for much smoother sailing at home. This might mean immersing yourself in prayer for just five minutes a day, going to bed 15 minutes earlier, or prioritizing a shower and getting dressed if it helps you feel more in control. There is no recharge too small.

2) Communicate your needs to yourself and to your partner.

If the idea of “self-care” feels like another overwhelming task, consider taking one minute right now to tune into how your mind and body are feeling. Learn what single, attainable habit or change might make life feel a bit better, today and then set aside a few minutes to communicate this with your spouse. For example: “My shoulders feel tense even thinking about making lunch for everyone today. It would really help me clear my head if you could get that started while I take a walk around the block.” This signals to your partner that they’re safe to convey their own needs, as well.

3) Allow a space for just you and your spouse.

Filling your “us” cup means promoting a culture of compassion and appreciation, where you both feel that your relationship is a priority for you both. As you and your spouse juggle the work of parenting, teaching and attending to job obligations, it might feel like your only chance for couple time is just before bed, when you both are already exhausted. If you can’t carve out any time, look for opportunities to bring meaning to your brief exchanges, even if it’s just finding a way to laugh together.

4) Be sure to acknowledge and compliment.

These brief exchanges also offer a unique opportunity to notice, appreciate and acknowledge your spouse’s contributions and shared positive interactions—no matter how small. In good marriages, compliments and other positive interactions outnumber criticisms by at least five to one, according to psychologist John Gottman. This doesn’t happen magically. It’s about investing the energy and time to develop new relationship habits.

5) Remind yourself that everyone is feeling stressed…

…but that we don’t all act on that stress in the same way. If you feel yourself reacting more dramatically to a comment or event than you normally would, or if your spouse is not quite acting him or herself, try to address the underlying struggles instead of the overt behavior. A change in behavior might be a manifestation of the stress, anxiety, worry, anger or depression we are feeling deeper down.

Now more than ever, we encourage couples to pay attention to the needs of their relationship. At Project S.A.R.A.H., we help individuals and families navigate relationships in therapy and focus on educating others about healthy relationships to prevent abuse in the home. If you or your partner needs additional support during this highly stressful time, please reach out to the Project S.A.R.A.H. helpline.

To support the critical work of this program please join Project S.A.R.A.H.’s virtual breakfast on May 17, 2020. For more information or to join our breakfast, please call 973-777-7638 ext. 154, or visit us online at projectsarah.org, facebook.com/projectsarahnj or instagram.com/projectsarah_nj. 

Paige is a clinician on the Project S.A.R.A.H. team. She enjoys helping children, adolescents, and adults navigate school and personal relationships. She coordinates many school trainings for Project S.A.R.A.H. including the Safety Kid and Internet Safety Programs for students.