(Courtesy of Our Family First) Over a year has passed since we started our mission to provide mental health support to the families of the reservists, and both they and we have been permanently changed by the experience. When we were initially contacted by Daniel Jacob, an IDF commander who reported that his soldiers were returning to their bases from leave earlier than required because they were uncomfortable in their own homes, we thought that by offering psychoeducational workshops to the officers, they could impart basic mental health strategies to their troops. After meeting with our first group three weeks later, we realized that the officers and their families were struggling, and the mental health issues were interfering with the soldiers’ ability to focus on their missions in the military.
At that time, six soldiers in this particular unit were divorcing their wives. Though the IDF was providing a debriefing process after the troops returned from over 200 days in the reserves, few follow-up services were available, and the wives and their children were not receiving any mental health intervention through the IDF. Recent reports indicate that one in five reservist couples has considered a divorce, which is 10 times the national divorce rate in Israel. A study of over 2,000 reservist couples revealed that the relationship, employment and mental health issues have increased significantly, and half of the reservists and close to 70% of their spouses are experiencing emotional distress. Mental health resources are unavailable to those who require support, and only 25% of the spouses are receiving therapy.
Our connection with reservist couples has confirmed these reports, however we believe that we are improving those odds through our intervention. During each retreat, we provide four group workshops, an individual marital counseling session, four delicious Shabbat meals and many opportunities for rest and bonding. The couples reconnect after a lengthy separation, renegotiate the boundaries of their relationship and resolve conflicts in a respectful and accepting way. The participants address their unique relationship issues, and the group connects over common mental health concerns. Over the past year, many of the commanders reported that we imparted skills that they and their soldiers continue to implement. Couples have reached out to us, conveying specific messages or lessons that have helped their families.
We have also experienced the significant decline in the mental health of the reservists and their spouses. Early on, we were awed by their resilience, optimism and determination to fight in the war. But by midsummer, the couples expressed feelings of isolation and loneliness, remarking that they could not rely on family members or friends for support because everyone they knew was experiencing similar trauma and loss. During the following retreat, many couples focused on a lack of emotional intimacy in their relationships after spending more time apart than together over the course of the year. The reservists who participated were returning to combat a few days after our retreat, and many conveyed that they feared communication with their spouses could lead to conflict in what might be their last conversation ever. We learned about their common fear, “lidfok al hadelet,” as they waited outside our therapy rooms because a knock on the door meant they were receiving bad news.
Our recent weekend was the most troubling, and several couples canceled at the last minute after being informed that they would be returning for a fifth period of service. The reservists were extremely emotional, discussing their sadness about missing additional family milestones, guilt about relying on their spouses once again to be the primary parent and provider, and distress about further trauma to their families. We met newlyweds who spent only a few weeks together during their entire engagement and marriage, fathers who missed most of their child’s first year of life, and older couples who thought they would finally be sharing their retirement together but hadn’t been able to communicate, even over the phone, during long periods of deployment. They informed us that they lost their jobs and had to return to the army because they were dependent on the salary they received for their service. Those who were able to attend the weekend had the opportunity to laugh together, connect over their shared dreams and focus on the strengths in their relationships.
Unfortunately, we don’t know which stage of this war we are in. We pray that we are at the end. However, we realize that our commitment to these couples and their families will be necessary long after the war ends. The IDF is now providing a small stipend the couples can apply toward the retreat, and all therapeutic services, including those of the Israeli therapists who have volunteered to join our mission, continue to be provided pro bono. But, the remaining expenses, $1,000 per couple and $25,000 per weekend, require donations from those who understand and support this vital intervention. Please join us in helping these warriors who are sacrificing to protect our country, so that they can focus on their military duties with confidence that their families will remain intact and endure the impact of the war.
Our Family First provides therapeutic weekend retreats for reservist couples, and we currently have a waitlist of units that require our support. To donate toward future retreats, please visit the website at ourfamilyfirst.org or contact barbaralisthaus@gmail.com or dkrausz@gmail.com.
