Our children face unique challenges returning to or entering college amid post-Oct. 7 realities, and so do we parents.
They are adjusting to course syllabi, suitemates and sleep schedules against the backdrop of decoding their schools’ emerging policies on bias and hate speech. They are rushing off to meet office hours and the excitement of new Hillel or Chabad initiatives, designed to meet needs that those groups identified last spring.
The challenges are real for all stakeholders, something I appreciate from direct experience. Last year, I assisted the Harvard Jewish Alumni Alliance in a curriculum audit examining patterns emerging in course descriptions over 20 years and across five academic departments. We noted shifts in substance and tone and I particularly studied biases and distortions as the focus shifted toward concepts such as “equity” over democratic concepts such as “equality.”
There was a trend toward framing Israel and Jewish life as disciplines rather than long-standing historical cultures, influenced by political and anti-colonial perspectives that even pervaded STEM courses. Shifts such as the ones I saw as part of the HJAA project are endemic across college campuses and impact students who encounter these viewpoints in their assignments and must navigate discussions with professors whose perspectives may diverge from their own.
As HJAA found, these realities have been percolating for many years and now the mask of Jew-hatred and antisemitism is proverbially “off,” even while on some campuses the masks are very much “on.”
How are our kids, and we as loving parents, to juggle the intensity of the typical college adjustment demands with the practical and psychological intensities of the backdrop of post-Oct. 7 challenges?
Salanter or Synapses?
In my college consulting practice as a learning specialist, I draw upon Jewish wisdom and contemporary neuroscience to support students and parents through the sprints and marathons that await them. Jewish thought, from the 18th century philosopher Rabbi Chaim Luzzato to Rabbi Israel Salanter, encouraged the concept of self-awareness, or “da et atzmecha,” to achieve personal development.
Nowadays, modern neuroscience informs how we and our kids manage the speed bumps and swerves we encounter during key life transitions. Contemporary psychology frames this self-knowledge with an appreciation for brain development, and our kids’ nervous systems are particularly hardwired in college to better manage competing priorities. These cognitive science researchers consider “executive functions,” or what I refer to as kids “learning how to be your own CEO,” which happens in later adolescence through the 20s as frontal lobes are ready to guide this process through critical thinking or “metacognition.”
By now, you know your child pretty well, whether they are slower to warm up to new situations or were always the youngster who could jump into an unfamiliar context and manage wavy waters of novelty with aplomb. Whether the “Salanter” or “synapses” approach resonates with you, the take-home is that our kids and we will face challenges of the standard and seismic this semester.
Messages reading “Glory To Our Martyrs” and “Divestment From Zionist Genocide Now” were projected onto the side of a building at George Washington University last fall shortly after the Oct. 7 Hamas attacks. (StopAntisemitism via X and JTA)
As parents, understanding ourselves and the knowledge we have about our kids and what makes them tick as individuals can help us guide them through uncharted waters. Here, we can strategize how to support them and ourselves, with an eye toward all we know about our kid’s unique way of taking in information and managing transitions, to help them develop effective coping strategies at this time.
College is about learning, both academically and personally. So knowing what learning means for you — in and beyond the lecture and lab — is more critical now than ever. It’s all about college planning for Zionists, and here are some practical tips:
For Students
Prioritize Your Wellbeing: Pay attention to your sleep, diet and exercise. College stress can interfere with executive functions such as staying focused, task activation (or “getting started”) and working memory (holding onto and mentally juggling a variety of tasks at once).
Leave Time for “Me Time”: It’s tough and stressful to manage meeting a professor during office hours and dealing with the added stress of antisemitism on campus. So leave time each day to review your deadlines or better yet pick a few “to dos” and track them to see whether you accomplish them more quickly than anticipated or whether you need to leave more time to get across campus and meet your roommate at the Hillel for the challah bake.
Stepping Up and Self Care: You are adjusting to new courses along with exciting social opportunities and the realities of unexpected moments of intensity on campus. So leave time to check in with yourself. It may be critical to support your classmate who needs the comfort of a familiar face when crossing campus on a day that a coalition of campus groups is making her feel intimidated. The stress and time demands of supporting your friend may mean you need to recharge with a yoga class or FaceTime your puppy before getting to work on a seminar discussion post.
Learn the Policies: Schools have spent the summer developing their approach to campus safety and bias, so it’s important to know whether your school is adapting its policies to IHRA definitions of antisemitism (something advanced by Harvard Jewish Alumni Alliance, according to Roni Brunn, HJAA’s vice president of social media relations) or taking an approach similar to the Tufts Jewish Alliance (TJA). They are partnering with administration, faculty and other stakeholders (such as alumni and board members) to understand the needs that students are expressing to them and to develop short-term and long-term policies that are clear and enforceable.
So familiarize yourself with the student handbook and your college’s code of conduct, especially policies regarding bullying, harassment and hate speech. Knowing the procedures for reporting incidents can empower you to take action if needed. This applies to policies that guide life on campus in other ways, such as missing class for Jewish holidays or navigating approval for accommodations such as extra time on tests due to dyslexia or ADHD.
Read Syllabi Carefully: Be mindful of the content covered in your courses. If you encounter material that seems biased or distorted, or if the combination of skill demands and content feels overwhelming, consider speaking with the professor or advisor about these concerns. Be mindful of deadlines, as you may opt to withdraw or switch courses if the situation feels untenable.
Find Your Community: Connect with upperclassmen and peers who know the ropes, whether it’s which student center tutors can best help you manage editing or campus culture for when a classmate mentioned something objectionable in recitation. Having that upperclassman take on how department heads handle this, whether to formally document the matter or take the classmate aside for a gentle conversation, can be invaluable.
Know Your Tribe: Whether through Jewish student organizations, cultural groups or faith-based communities, find a group where you feel comfortable and supported. Building a community on campus can provide a sense of belonging and help combat feelings of isolation. This can take the form of joining the campus Hillel or Chabad or identifying resources beyond campus, such as AIPAC college advocacy programs, so you can find your peers and mentors and don’t need to recreate the wheel.
As HJAA’s Roni Brunn noted, one silver lining amid the Harvard campus challenges was the opportunity for Jewish students to connect, whether staunchly secular or observant. We are truly strongest as the sum of our parts.
This Is Your Time: You are entitled to have fun decorating your dorm room, preparing for fall parents’ weekend and partying with people who are following the football team. You are also entitled to being exhausted after an all-nighter or coming back late from a party when a quiz awaits you that afternoon. So give yourself space to enjoy and manage these parts of college life that predated Oct. 7. That will shape your identity as you also learn to juggle the unique realities and challenges facing you and your classmates as engaged Jews on campus (and our future leaders).
Focus on Long-Term Goals: Remember that college is a step in a longer journey. Maintaining your GPA, securing recommendations and building a strong academic and social foundation are essential for future success, and you are entitled to spend time on these even as you are also stepping up for Jewish communal events.
It’s OK to Adapt: Be prepared to adjust your plans and strategies as you go. Whether it’s changing courses, finding new study habits or shifting focus, staying flexible will help you navigate the complexities of college life.
You have worked long and hard to gain admission to your school and are entitled to safety, learning, contentment and the opportunity to grow as an individual and through new experiences and relationships. So chart your course as an individual as part of the dynamic communities where you find meaning!
For Parents
Being a parent of a college student is challenging. Do we encourage our kid to confront a teaching assistant who uttered anti-Israel remarks during a midterm review, or follow their lead when they decide to ignore it and focus on acing the exam so they can get a recommendation from the professor? It’s the college balancing act, only now “on steroids” given the intensities of post-Oct. 7 university life.
Parents play a vital role in supporting their children through college and know their kids best. Our task is to be their cheerleaders and sounding boards as they increase their independence from us. At the same time, there will be moments when kids expressly ask us to step in or we sense it’s important for us or others close by on campus to take a more proactive approach.
Stay in Contact: You know your child’s tolerance level, whether a few days of silence means “I’m working it out, give me space” or “I’m stuck and falling behind.”
Check in with your kids, following their lead, to determine if they are holding the course or need some emotional support and guidance. You know your child best, whether they respond better to texts or a phone call, to a planned time to catch up or knowing you are waiting on the side for when they want to bounce an idea off you.
This is critical, whether it’s due to the increased demands of working independently in between when classes formally meet (on average, students are expected to spend three hours per week for each course credit), or the stress of managing uncertainty about how to handle the disappointment of someone from their club joining a coalition or other clubs expressing anti-Israel sentiments.
Help Them Manage the Realities: Your child may be unsure about how to navigate campus discrimination and unfortunately many have learned that compliance offices are there to follow federal reporting regulations, not to necessarily support and advocate for your child.
Help your child keep records of any incidents of antisemitism or discrimination. Documentation can be crucial if you need to report issues to the administration or seek support. Here, following your child’s lead is critical so you and they can discern when they are touching base with you about a minor frustration that passes or they can navigate on their own.
Engage in Advocacy: Take a page from the Tufts Jewish Alliance playbook. They are developing relationships with stakeholders on campus and beyond to create and implement short- and long-term goals. This is a process, so we all need to manage the stress of this and recognize taking a long-lens approach even as we are proactive about emerging issues.
Ultimately, most school administrators, alumni, faculty and students share our desire for college to be a calm, warm environment where people can learn and exchange ideas with mutual respect.
Reach out to the local Jewish community that neighbors your child’s campus. It’s likely they can introduce you to professors who are neighbors, guide you through initiatives that predated your child’s arrival or find a friendly synagogue group that can provide some friendly encouragement for students at moments that they feel isolated.
By creating community with these individuals, we can advocate for policies that help the Jewish students and the college community at large.
Safety Is Paramount: Parents should feel empowered to reach out to the college administration if they have concerns about their child’s safety or well-being. They are uniquely able to understand the scope of the issues their children are facing. By getting to know other parents through social media groups, along with faculty and other community leaders who are attuned to needs on campus, the adults can follow the lead of students in building on the priorities that students communicate to them and supporting them toward positive outcomes.
Adjusting to college amid antisemitism and political tensions can be challenging. But with preparation, self-awareness and a strong support network, Jewish students can thrive. By focusing on personal well-being, building a community and staying informed about campus policies and resources, students can create a positive and fulfilling college experience.
Remember, you are not alone — reach out, connect and find your path forward.
Dr. Rebecca Mannis is a learning specialist in private practice with 35 years of experience teaching children and adults in New York City and around the world. She is founder of Ivy Prep.
