Part I

Here it is, short and blunt: the ABC’s of sustaining your marriage

A:

Avoid judgmental questions and harsh start-ups, effective today.

Here is a neutral question: Debbie, what time is it?

Here is a judgmental question: Is this how much coffee you normally drink at work?

The difference is clear. If you work from home, maintain some distance between you and your spouse during work hours and avoid snooping around or being nosey.

Avoid “you” statements because they evoke defensiveness. Use “I” statements because they evoke empathy.

Try this: I am overwhelmed and can use your help now.

Not this: You never lift a finger to help me.

Use A soft start-up like this: I feel like I’ve been stuck in the kitchen alone all week, rather than a harsh and judgmental one such as: I’d faint if you ever helped me make dinner.

Avoid disagreement escalation. Use repair attempts such as, “Wait, let me rephrase that.” Dr. Eileen Feliciano wisely suggests, “Don’t show up at every argument that you are invited to.”

A winning rule of thumb: If your goal is family well-being in a respectful partnership, then before you say or do something to your spouse ask yourself: is what I’m about to say or do going to bring me closer or further from my goal? If the answer is further, STOP! (Michelle Weiner Davis).

B:

Be the first to use these three words and use them liberally: Appreciation – Affection – Admiration. These words are a win-win for marriage.

B is for respecting boundaries and one another’s space. The late anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggested, “Creating a safe space can help people to feel in control so they feel happy instead of helpless…or even hostile” (NY Times 4-13-20). Another superb Fisher-ism is: Don’t invoke the golden rule (Do unto others); rather, use the “platinum rule”: Do unto your spouse as she wants to have done for her. Space is more than just having elbow room. “Space and privacy have emerged as a class divide; more valuable than ever to those who have it and potentially fatal to those who don’t” (NY Times 4-13-20).

The final B is to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Whether you call it “money in your emotional bank account” or “positive sentiment override” (Dr. John Gottman), your go-to position needs to be: My spouse means well; these are circumstances that we are in together. They’re not mean intentions.

C:

Criticism of each other’s character must stop! We must stop ourselves. If you have a complaint about a specific behavior of your spouse, state that simply and civilly.

Say this: We need to work together for thirty minutes daily to keep order here.

Not this: I never realized how big a slob you are.

Commit yourselves to the triangle of health:sleep-nutrition-exercise.

These aren’t suggestions, they are essential!

Couples don’t need to think alike,but they need to think together. (Rabbi Ralph Pelcovitz, obm).

D:

Decide that you will put meaningful effort into your marriage and keep the “D” word off the table and out of any conversations. Now is the time to protect your marriage; there will be plenty of time later if you choose the “D” route.

Do the best that you can; don’t keep score with your spouse. On the ball field, opposing teams keep score. Marriage is not 50-50, marriage has to be 100-100. Divorce is 50-50.

Do seek out professional marital advice, using counseling from a licensed therapist. Don’t wait and think that things might work themselves out; they just might not.

Most importantly, DO be forgiving. Whether you are married for three years or three decades, you must understand and actualize this: Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision and forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole.

Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is you, no matter what the circumstances.

Dr. Alan Singer has worked as a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. Dr. Singer is a certified discernment counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an adjunct professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. Singer counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book “Creating Your Perfect Family Size” (Wiley). His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. Married 48 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter for NEFESH International. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press. He can be reached at [email protected] or (732) 572-2707.