Dear Dr. Chani,
I have been dating a girl — let’s call her Leah — for around a month and I am confused about what to do. On paper, everything seems perfect. She seems to have all of the qualities that I am looking for. Yet, when I think about moving on to the next step, I have mixed emotions.
It might help you understand how I feel if I take you back to how it all started. When I first heard about Leah, I was really looking forward to meeting her. I had heard so many wonderful descriptions of her personality. People told me that she is so thoughtful, kind and giving. They said she is smart, personable and talented. From their descriptions, it seemed like she had everything I could possibly want in a wife. Before I even met her, I thought that we would be able to get along really easily.
Imagine my surprise when, on our first date, Leah acted very differently than I would have expected. She was, indeed, very courteous and polite, but throughout the date she did most of the talking. She talked so much about herself, her accomplishments and her talents, that I was wondering if she cared to know anything about me. I tried to make witty comments to put in my two cents and lighten the mood, but she did not get my sense of humor.
When I got home, my roommate advised me to give Leah another chance. He explained that she may have been nervous and talked so much because she was trying very hard to impress me. It could be that once we became more familiar with each other, our conversations would improve.
Our next few dates went a lot better. There was definitely more of a give and take to our conversations and she asked me questions about myself. Still, I felt very taken for granted. For example, one time she asked me about my profession. I am a successful engineer with a six- figure salary, working at a top company, but when I described my job she interrupted me and said she knows about what I do. “Actually, I would find your job very boring,” she said. I felt terrible.
I can tell that Leah likes me and wants to continue dating. Yet, I cannot shake the feeling that she is not really interested in me for my own sake. Whenever I speak, she tends to interrupt me, glance at her watch or turn the conversation around to be about herself.
I have started to feel like I am a boring person. It is surprising since I am pretty popular and I have never gotten that feedback before. The bottom line is that I do not feel good about myself when I am on our dates and when I think about them afterwards.
After each date, I waver between wanting to break up with Leah and hoping that things will get better. I do not want to give up such an outstanding girl. Yet, I feel like she is changing the way I feel about myself. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Benny
Dear Benny,
Navigating a relationship can be really challenging, especially when you are not comfortable with your dynamic. It is understandable that you are not sure how to proceed with Leah. Your concerns about not feeling good about yourself when you are with her are very significant and I am happy to see that you are paying attention to them.
It can be flattering that Leah wants to continue dating you, but her desire to be with you is not enough. It is important that you feel good about yourself when you are dating someone. You need to feel like you are appreciated and that your needs are generally being met in your relationship.
Let’s consider some reasons why Leah is turning the spotlight to herself and shining a light on her own accomplishments while putting down or dismissing your own experiences. There are many possibilities as to why Leah emphasizes her own self-importance and downplays yours. It may be rooted in a feeling of insecurity that causes her to seek recognition and reassurance. She may lack some basic social skills. Yet, her behavior may also reflect narcissistic tendencies on her part.
Narcissistic tendencies describe a person that seems focused on themselves, with little concern for others. In general, it can be difficult to identify narcissistic tendencies in a person you are dating. You may not be able to fully see their true nature given that dating allows you only a limited exposure to someone who (we would hope) is on her best behavior. Also, you may doubt your conclusions because a person may not have all of the classic signs of someone with an extreme case of narcissism, known as narcissistic personality disorder. Yet, a person does not need to act as a full blown narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies.
From your description, it sounds like Leah might be exhibiting some selfish, narcissistic behaviors. It can be confusing to consider that Leah has narcissistic tendencies because she sometimes seems to act in a caring way. Other people have told you that she can be kind and thoughtful, and you find her to be considerate and polite. Yet, her acts of kindness may not necessarily stem from the right feelings. She may act kind and polite because she has been educated to know that this is the right thing to do. This is a start, but it is not enough
What you need to know is if Leah acts kindly because she feels empathy for other people. One of the telltale signs of someone with narcissistic tendencies is a lack of empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. When Leah does not notice your feelings and is unable to recognize that her statements are causing you to feel bad about yourself, this may be because she lacks empathy.
Based on your description, Leah may exhibit several other narcissistic tendencies. She appears to have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and seeks for you to admire her abilities and accomplishments. She also positions herself as more knowing, more capable and better than you. She disregards and undermines your skills and success. Most notably, she does not seem to care to listen to you. An overlooked trait of people with narcissistic tendencies is that they are non-listeners. They are too busy thinking about themselves to listen to you.
So how can you figure out if Leah has narcissistic tendencies? One of the ways to assess this is by checking if she feels empathy. On your next date, bring up a vulnerable experience in which you felt hurt, shame or frustration. See how Leah reacts.
Can she empathize with your emotions or does she seem unable to put herself into your shoes and feel what you felt? Does she express concern for you or does she quickly turn the conversation back to herself and focus on a similar situation from her own experience?
If Leah demonstrates a lack of empathy, it will help you understand why you do not feel good about yourself while dating her. It is natural to feel unsettled when Leah is unable to take your feelings into account. If you feel this way, it might make sense to end your unhealthy relationship.
Yet, Leah may surprise you and express empathy. If so, this would offer support for the possibility that Leah is capable of connecting better with you. This positive development would make you need to reassess what is causing you to feel bad about yourself and what you should do about it.
It is understandable that you are confused about how to proceed. Making a decision to develop or end a relationship can be very difficult, especially when your mind is telling you that Leah has a lot of the qualities that you are looking for. At the same time, the voice that is telling you that you are feeling unappreciated is extremely important to listen to.
If you continue to feel unsure about how to understand Leah’s actions and your reactions, consider seeking a therapist who can provide an objective viewpoint and help you to get the clarity you need to make the decision that is right for you. Above all, trust your instincts and trust how you feel about yourself in your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who helps you to feel good about yourself and brings out the best in you.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
