לעילוי נשמת

יואל אפרים בן אברהם עוזיאל זלצמן ז”ל

Question: I was saved from a dangerous situation and was advised to make a seudat hodaya. My daughter-in-law is one of the people I’d most want to take part, but she is in aveilut for a parent. Is it permitted for her to come, and if not, may I invite her anyway and leave it up to her, or perhaps delay the seuda until after her aveilut?

Answer: We will take a brief look at the halacha and also the personal side.

The prohibition on simcha for an avel is most severe during shiva, but the Gemara (Moed Katan 22b) says that an avel for a parent may not go to a wedding for 12 months. The Gemara struggles with a category of happy social interaction called simchat mereiut (of friendship), and the halacha is that it is forbidden for 12 months (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 391:2).

Two main parameters are crucial in ruling in various cases:

1. How festive is the event?
2. How important is it for the avel to be there?
3. Weddings are the pinnacle of festivity, yet an avel can go to his child’s wedding because a proper wedding is unfeasible without him (see Rama ibid.). The Rama (ibid.) cites a machloket about taking part in the seuda of a brit and pidyon haben (considered low-intensity celebrations) in which the avel is not a principal. The Rama concludes: “The custom is to not eat at any meal in the world for the whole 12 months, if it is outside the house.”

There is a machloket about taking part in a seudat siyum. The Shach (Yoreh Deah 246:27) says that an avel during the 12 months may take part in it (see also Gesher Hachayim I, 22:2:6). The Beit Lechem Yehuda (to Yoreh Deah 391:2) says he may only do so if he is making the siyum, and the Chochmat Adam (166:2) is skeptical about permissibility in light of the Rama’s minhag. I did not find discussion of a seudat hodaya, but it is parallel to a siyum in that they are optional seudot mitzvah (see “Living the Halachic Process,” Volume I, H-3) that are not particularly time sensitive (see Shach ibid.) and are done in a not overly festive manner.

Since—based on the above—it is legitimate for your daughter-in-law to take part in the seuda, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with inviting her. Even if the stricter opinion is more accepted in her environs, if she believes her parent would want her to be lenient, this is an important factor (see Shach, Yoreh Deah 344:9). There are ways for your daughter-in-law to take part, even if she is generally machmira (strict).

Since the main problem is joint celebratory eating rather than assembling with others (see Tosafot, Moed Katan 22b), she can be there for mingling and for the words of Torah and thanks (if there is not music playing). Another possibility—which allows even eating—is for the avel to have a (real) job at the event (see Gesher Hachayim ibid.). On the other hand—whatever is being considered—you should stress to her that you do not want her to alter her practice in this aspect of kibbud av vaem in order to honor you (this is important general advice regarding in-laws).

You have no outright obligation to make a seudat hodaya, and there are other ways to thank Hashem (including tzedakah and adopting laudable practices, while stating that it is bli neder). Since there is no strict time limit, it can make sense under the right circumstances to put off the seuda for weeks or a couple months, so that your daughter-in-law can take part normally—considering her centrality.

However, in most healthy relationships, it is not expected that an avel’s limitations should change the broader family’s life in a major way. (Depending on family size and sensitivity of its members, it can sometimes even be unwise). “Bending over backward” to make sure the avel does not miss things can also sometimes put pressure on the avel to take part when they do not feel comfortable doing so. We would generally say that open communication and avoiding subtle pressure on the avel is the best way to go about it from your perspective. Hopefully, your daughter-in-law will reciprocate with full understanding if it makes sense for you to go ahead with a seudat mitzvah that she may choose not to take (full) part in.

Rabbi Mann is a dayan for Eretz Hemdah and a staff member of Yeshiva University’s Gruss Kollel in Israel. He is a senior member of the Eretz Hemdah responder staff, editor of Hemdat Yamim and the author of “Living the Halachic Process, Volumes 1 and 2” and “A Glimpse of Greatness.”