“Hillel said: ‘Be among the students of Aharon –—loving peace and pursuing peace, loving people and bringing them closer to the Torah’” (Pirkei Avos). Does being peaceful mean that we consciously suppress our anger?

I once saw a patient who presented with difficulty focusing in school and during conversations. She had racing thoughts that kept her up at night and it was hard for her to sit still. She always shook her leg in class and was constantly wondering when class would end. She could not concentrate on the professor. This woman had children and was divorced from the children’s father. The father lived far away and did not visit often but would occasionally call, primarily to talk to his ex-wife but not his children. The first half of every session she would come in and talk about various topics, changing from one topic to the next without ever discussing any topic in depth. She would smile most of the time and her voice and presentation were very animated. It was a performance.

One day, after letting her speak for the first half of the session without pause, I interrupted her and asked a question regarding her ex-husband’s current neglect of their children. Her voice came down and her expression changed. She started speaking slower and said, “That’s why I hate him! He neglects our children, and he thinks I am going to get back together with him. That will never happen. He is deluding himself!” She was obviously angry but was focused. Her thinking and speech were clear. To check my theory, I asked her if she felt focused and she said yes. To see if she was aware of what had just happened, I asked her why she was suddenly focused when she had not been for twenty minutes. “Because I’m angry!” she said. But she wasn’t just angry. She was angry about something that was important and meaningful to her. Whenever she entered this state, her mind and thoughts became clear.

I asked her if she could use this knowledge about herself to focus when she found it difficult. She never thought of using anger as a useful emotion. She never thought of drawing on it on command, like an actor, for strength. I suggested that when she had a paper to do for school or a test to study for that she get “angry” at the test or paper. This had worked for me in college. I used to approach tests aggressively by thinking that I was going to “beat up” the test badly. I used aggression to focus myself and it seemed that this woman could use anger in a similar way.

Anger is not a “bad” emotion. There are times when we should feel angry, such as when people unjustly hurt us. It is best, if possible, to use words to express to the offending person that you are angry and why. Anger can be a tremendous motivator. Moshe became angry when he saw an Egyptian beating a Jew mercilessly and so he killed him. If he hadn’t become angry, he would have watched without doing anything. At the Boston Tea Party, the American colonists were angry that there was taxation without representation and their anger over the tea tax drove them to rebel against the British king and eventually fueled the American Revolution. Anger at the injustice of slavery fueled Abraham Lincoln’s desire to abolish slavery. Anger at injustice—righteous indignation—has always been a good thing.

Anger is not bad but it is a difficult emotion to express in a socially appropriate way, so many people stifle the feeling. They get scared at what they fantasize about doing if they get angry, and the fear of what they might do stops them. If anger can be channeled correctly it is a very useful emotion. We should not avoid it. We should express it with words and not hold it in. Holding in anger, as a matter of course, is very unhealthy, whereas tapping into anger can give us the strength to do things we otherwise could not accomplish.

Jonathan Bellin, LCSW has been a therapist for over 30 years. He has a tele-therapy practice where he treats adults 18+ with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Trauma, personal and professional relationship issues. Jonathan received his MSW from Wurzweiler in 1993. He is accepting new patients and can be reached at [email protected].