My relationship with Asara B’Teves has changed over the years. Initially, any affinity I had for it was that the fast was short—very short. Then, when expecting our youngest son, that shifted a little.
Consistently overdue, I have a lackadaisical approach to delivery due dates. As a semi-recovering procrastinator, “extra time” is always welcome, and I typically negotiate with my doctor to be induced as late as possible. All was well, and I scored an induction date the day after Chanukah—a full two weeks after my due date. After a quick calculation, though, I realized that if I delivered before 4:15 p.m. that day, and if all was well, we would be looking at a Sunday bris on Asara B’Teves the following week. We quickly reassured ourselves that that was unlikely to happen, given my history of long labor. Well, at 3:30 p.m. we were informed that the time had come. The doctor was not very receptive to our request that we hold off another 45 minutes. Baruch Hashem all went well, and thanks to Rabbi Neuburger’s patience with our millions of questions, Dovid had a beautiful two-part bris on Asara B’Teves. So I began to view that day with a new fondness.
However, it was not until two-and-a half years ago that my perception of the import and heft of Asara B’Teves was completely changed. Rabbi Dr. J.J. Schacter, in his amazing Tisha B’Av presentation in 2017, spoke about Asara B’Teves, explaining that should Asara B’Teves fall on a Shabbos we would fast*. The Chasam Sofer explains that on Asara B’Teves the beis din in shamayim passed judgment that the Beis Hamikdash would be destroyed, but even more remarkable is that this judgment is an annual occurrence, and it is on this day, every year, that the beis din decides whether we are worthy of that decree being reversed. Therefore, likened to the relief afforded by teshuva and fasting that one may take on after dreaming a bad dream, this fast is allowable on Shabbos. The takeaway is that on Asara B’Teves the klal is being judged to see if we are worthy of the geula in the coming year.
That, to me, was a game changer. This is big! Do people know about this? What should we do about it? This year we are at a tremendous advantage: the Siyum HaShas is the week before, and the achdus of celebrating limud HaTorah together in such a spectacular fashion has got to earn some major geula points. Also, unfortunately, during these difficult times, the tremendous solidarity and shared concern for members of klal Yisrael must also make Hashem proud. Hopefully we are headed in the right direction.
One way we can build on this even further is by continuing to grow our ahavas Yisrael. A possible model we can look to might be closer than we think: the relationship between parents and children.
Over recent years, I have come to appreciate the individuality of our children. Growing up in a different community and hashkafa, I had very distinct ideas about how my children would be raised and what they would be like. This, of course, was a grand fallacy, and baruch Hashem I have been given a wonderful re-education. Thankfully they are interesting and lovely and quirky and nuanced, each in his or her own individual way. My goal is to connect with them, each individually, in a way that is meaningful to them. I recognize that the greatest gift I can hope for in return is that they will want to have a meaningful and ongoing connection to me. Knowing that they each value different things makes me acutely aware that my relationship with one may look substantively different from my relationship with another, but qualitatively they are the same. I could never expect one child to completely understand the dynamics of my relationship with a sibling, but I would expect them to understand, as fact, that each of the relationships is equally important and valued.
Many years ago, during a shiva call, an elementary school friend shared the most interesting story about her mother, a”h, an incredibly magnanimous woman. My classmate and her siblings, all adults, had a discussion about who was their mother’s favorite. Each was convinced with certainty that he or she was the favorite child. What an accomplishment it is to make each child feel like the favorite one! It has taken me years to understand that I can never fully appreciate the nuanced relationships my parents have with each of my two siblings. But my parents always made it very clear to us that we are equally valued for our individual personalities and strengths.
There are so many “siblings” who comprise the Jewish nation, each with different strengths, abilities and quirky nuances. We can never begin to understand another Jew’s relationship with Hashem. We can never know what traits Hashem values most. What we do know is that Hashem values relationships with each of His children. And while it may be a very human phenomenon to want to feel as though we are the favorite, or the one getting it right by serving Hashem in the way that He prefers, maybe we need to trust that every relationship is equally valued—not one more than the other or one type more than the other. Each relationship is important.
Wishing everyone a meaningful Asara B’Teves with a positive judgment for the coming year!
*For further explanation, see Rabbi Dr. J.J. Schacter Tisha B’Av 2017; a shiur by Menachem Schnaidman at Rinat December 2017; or an article by Rabbi Chaviv Danesh from Ohr Sameyach https:////ohr.edu/6636, reprinted in The Jewish Link in 2017.
By Grunny Zlotnick
