Dear Dr. Chani,

It’s been a long vacation. It was fun to go to a hotel and enjoy plenty of exotic, delicious dishes, but my waistline has definitely come along for the ride. I have always struggled to reduce my weight, and I thought that my husband didn’t care much about it. I was, therefore, totally caught off guard when he recently began to make hints about my weight. Now I’m not sure what to do.

I am really self-conscious about my body so when I began to have trouble fitting into my clothing over the past week, I was really disappointed in myself. I told my husband that I feel so fat and I wish that I didn’t have to worry that everything I eat would affect my shape. At first, he was really sweet and he told me, “Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal.” I was so happy that my husband was so understanding and not superficial.

But after a few days, he changed his tune. He began to encourage me to lose weight. He keeps giving me suggestions about how to slim down. For example, he sent me links to exercise videos with Pilates routines and he selected articles for me about healthy meal planning.

I am so confused about why he is suddenly taking such an interest in my losing weight. I feel heartbroken that he is bothered by my appearance. When I think that he would like me to lose weight, it makes me feel terrible about myself and adds to the pressure I already feel to lose weight. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Ashamed

Dear Ashamed,

It is very challenging to feel an ongoing struggle to lose weight. As much as you make efforts to reach your goal, it is difficult to feel like you need to constantly be vigilant or you will lose the battle. I suspect that you were able to enjoy the creative cuisine on your vacation because you thought that you would only have your own standards to judge yourself by. Now that you sense that your husband cares about your appearance, you will feel an added burden in your already arduous journey to your ideal body.

I share your amazement about how your husband suddenly began involving himself in your efforts to lose weight. He seems to be intent on helping you achieve your goals by giving you practical tools and advice. Let’s consider what might have contributed to his new approach.

You described how after your vacation, you complained to your husband about how you put on weight. It is unclear if this was a one-off comment to him or if you repeatedly vented your frustration about your body to your husband. At first glance, it makes sense that you felt comfortable sharing your concerns about your weight with him. It sounds like he had never indicated to you that he is bothered by it. Now you feel ashamed that your husband seems to care more about your weight than you do.

It is possible that your husband is treating the issue of your weight similarly to any other problem that you would present to him. He may be trying to help you solve your problem. Recognizing that this is important to you, he may be good-naturedly offering you suggestions to make it easier for you to achieve your goal. Based on this perspective, the reason your husband may be researching effective methods and sharing advice with you is because he is taking an interest in your interests.

If so, you need not worry that you have an added pressure of losing weight in order to please your husband. He, himself, might not care much one way or the other. Keeping this in mind can help you feel more secure and even appreciate his gestures to help you.

At the same time, your husband might genuinely have his own interest in you losing weight. If so, it is unclear whether he felt this way before or only recently. Yet it is possible that he was influenced by your self-deprecating comments about your body. Even if he did not care about it previously, he may have become sensitized to the issue and begun to see your weight as a problem as a result of your sharing your concerns with him.

At this point, you are not only struggling with a low self-image, you are stressed out about your relationship with your husband. Your husband’s actions have caused you to feel distant and alone.

There seems to be another aspect of what happened that is upsetting you as well. When you had mentioned your insecurities to your husband, you trusted him to know how to handle your vulnerable and personal concerns. You were relying on him as your confidant. When he now brings it up to you in an unexpected way, you feel like he is taking that confidence that you had in him and turning the tables. He is using the secret you shared with him back at you. You mentioned it to him for support and strength, not to turn the tables and constantly bring it up to you. Although your husband probably does not mean to be doing this, that might be part of what is bothering you.

Based on your husband’s actions alone it is difficult to discern his motivations. He may merely be trying to be supportive. It is also possible that he is bothered by your weight. Your uncertainty about how your husband feels points to the fact that you have not yet had a direct discussion with him. You are left guessing about your husband’s thoughts, but you don’t really know what he thinks and why. In addition, you have not yet been able to tell your husband how you interpret what he is doing and how you feel about it.

It is important to restore the trust you had so that you can deal with this and other challenges as a united team. Share with your husband both how you feel about what he is doing and how he can be most helpful to you. Explain to him that although he might have your best intentions in mind when he brings up things pertaining to your fitness and diet, it makes you self-conscious about your weight. It is not only emotionally difficult, it puts pressure on you and makes it harder for you to lose weight. What you need most from your husband is the support and acceptance of yourself and your body the way it is. That will help you feel better about yourself and help you on your journey.

As you discuss your perspectives and discover more about how you each think and feel about this sensitive topic, you may be able to create a mutually satisfying approach to this issue going forward. Using this as an opportunity to make your relationship even stronger than before is a positive gain you can take away from this experience, even as you seek to lose (the weight).

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.