Dear Penina,
I’m writing to you today with a question that’s been on my mind recently.
As someone who values both tradition and meaningful gestures, I was a little disappointed this Chanukah when my husband didn’t give me a gift. Now, before I go any further, I want to emphasize that he is, without a doubt, a good husband. He’s supportive, loving and attentive in so many ways. He is always there when I need him, and I truly appreciate all the things he does for our family.
But when it comes to showing appreciation through tangible gestures — like a thoughtful gift — he tends to fall short. I understand that gift giving isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, and I certainly don’t expect grand presents. However, I do believe that small acts of thoughtfulness, particularly on special occasions, can go a long way in making someone feel seen and appreciated.
I know he probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. But I’m left wondering if I should say something or if I should just let it go. After all, he shows his love in other ways, even if it’s not always through gifts.
I’d love your perspective on this: How do you think I should approach this conversation, or is it better to just let things be and focus on the bigger picture of our relationship?
Warmly,
Feeling Unappreciated
Dear Feeling Unappreciated,
Thank you for your important question. My personal and professional experience has shown me that many Jewish wives can relate to your question and will feel validated to know they are not alone. As you mentioned, we all express and experience love differently. I appreciate that you don’t want to complain because you value your husband’s strengths. However, you are also correct that he should know how you feel and have the opportunity to improve.
We all have a package of strengths and weaknesses, and most of our qualities have a flip side. Some people wish that their spouse was more fun, but don’t realize that when he/she is the life of the party the other spouse may feel neglected or overshadowed.
Women will sometimes tell me that their husbands don’t clean up after themselves and they see that as an indicator that their husbands don’t care about them. I try to get them to see that it could be that he really does care and just doesn’t notice the mess. I also point out that the husbands that clean up more may expect to come home to a clean house, which can put certain pressure on his wife.
Forgive me for digressing but it’s all connected. If your spouse doesn’t think of doing something on his own, whether it is taking out the garbage or buying gifts, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. Different things come naturally to different people and some people have to work harder in certain areas. If he requires prompting, but is happy to oblige after the prompt, that’s very significant. In business matters, my father likes to say, “If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it.” I adapted that to relationships: Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind! Say what you want.
Real life isn’t like the movies, and every great marriage takes a great amount of work. When my clients say, “He/She should know, I shouldn’t have to tell him/her,” I respond that you can’t expect him/her to know. We need to share, work and grow in relationships constantly.
Back to your question, I would recommend that you tell your husband how you feel in a non-critical way, starting with the good and focusing on how you felt when you didn’t receive a special gift. I would try to have a deep conversation when both of you are calm and listening to each other. And a few weeks before your birthday, anniversary or any other special occasion, remind your husband what type of gestures you would appreciate. It may lessen the surprise a little, but it will minimize your disappointment, and over time, your husband will get better at learning what you appreciate.
