When someone mentions the Modern Orthodox problem, they’re generally referring to the large defection rate—both to the right, yet more often, to the left. But there’s yet another problem lurking within the Modern Orthodox world, and although everyone knows it, no one
really wants to talk about it. Namely, that a large number of Modern Orthodox boys are more than comfortable pushing off marriage and dating until their late 20s or early 30s, leaving many beautiful Jewish women behind in the dust. What’s even more frustrating is that many of these boys will have no problem getting married once they are good and ready, while the same cannot be said of girls the same age.
I’ve heard shadchanim say that in the more modern world, guys are more than happy to date a girl through college and then break up with her at 25 because they know there’s always another one around the corner. But where does that leave the girl—aside from alone and scared that she will be labeled a spinster?
It’s simply a numbers game. For every 10 girls there are roughly three decent prospects, and the competition is fierce. I know it firsthand because I went through it with my own daughters. Because they were Modern Orthodox, the pickings were slim when it came to finding a modern Orthodox boy who actually kept Shabbos, wrapped tefillin and kept kosher. Rather, most of them took an “Orthodox light” approach to Judaism.
Unlike the frum world, which takes dating and halacha very seriously, the more Modern Orthodox world has a more organic approach to dating. I speak to frum couples and much of the pertinent information (tachlis) about the boy—his family, his intentions and his level of frumkeit—is already established from the get-go. In the modern world, not so much.
Sadly, many Modern Orthodox parents are secretly happy that their sons are saving money or getting their degrees until they’re ready to settle down. But this lifestyle is in direct contrast with Torah values. Even worse, some pretty amazing single Jewish girls are made to feel bad about themselves when the only ones who should be harboring guilt are the men choosing to act like boys. In time, many girls cave under pressure and make choices they wouldn’t have otherwise made. Others simply get burned out.
In the frum world, dating is not supposed to revolve around some casual happenstance where you just happen to meet a cute girl, become friends, start dating, and hopefully fall in love. It’s serious. Sure, you must have attraction, similar values, and be able to earn a living, but the ultimate goal for a frum Jew is to build a bayis ne’eman. Torah home. I’m not necessarily sure that many Modern Orthodox parents share this belief. Rather, their focus is on money, school and career. Religion, though important, finds its way lower on the priority list. And our kids pick up on this. What that means to us is that the very foundation of our families is literally in peril. I cannot tell you how many amazing single girls I meet who are falling through the cracks.
And don’t think the black-hat world isn’t dealing with their own shidduch crisis, where many beautiful and amazing girls are tragically labeled “over-the-hill” at 23.
Can someone please stop this insanity?
So what’s the quick fix? I think Yeshiva University and other Modern Jewish institutions have to consider sponsoring more boys’ and girls’ mixers. Since YU is part yeshiva, there’s a reluctance to sponsor mixed events in general, which understandably makes things more difficult. Still, if done correctly and with integrity, it can be a great opportunity for Modern Orthodox singles to meet. Never underestimate the draw of free, fine cuisine…
Parents also have an obligation to explain to their children what they expect of them. It’s one thing to move to the Upper West Side, get a job and date seriously for marriage. But it’s another thing to date and “play the field” for a few years and see how things work out.
The truth is that I understand the thinking of these young men because I easily could have become one of them not too long ago. I didn’t want to settle down until I had a job and finished college. But then one day, in my last year of college, someone called me about a nice girl in Stern College. I figured, what the heck, and the rest, as we say, is history.
Sure, I could have waited years until I was settled and felt ready, but that would have altered my trajectory and sent me on a different path altogether. I wouldn’t have grown emotionally and spiritually—together with my family—in my early 20s as I did. To be honest, knowing my predilection, I thank God for bringing me my eishes chayil when He did.
God created the most amazing creation in the world: a holy Jewish woman. There’s simply nothing more beautiful than a true eishes chayil whose essence literally radiates the light of God. Who needs to date someone for five to 10 years to figure it out? Even more to the point, marriages in the frum world and chasidishe world have a lower divorce rate than more secular couples. Sure, one could argue that they lead more insulated lives and therefore are exposed to less. Yet that wouldn’t be fully accurate. Rather, in the more frum dating scene, the real issues and bullet points of life are already discussed prior to the couples first meeting.
It’s time for boys to grow up and become men. A frum girl is truly a gift beyond words, and our boys need to appreciate this. Rather than hop around like children trying to find the next fun date, grow up and start building your life with the holiest and most beautiful gems that lie before your very eyes.
Avi Ciment lives in Florida and is a longtime columnist for The Jewish Press. He lectures throughout the world and has just finished his second book, “Real Questions Real Answers.” He can be reached at www.AviTalks.com.
