“May you always be on the giving side of chesed,” a well known bracha that is typically given when someone contributes tzedaka. For many years, I aspired to live up to this ideal. And then I broke my ankle, requiring surgery and months of recovery. And then, believe it or not, almost two years later, I broke my other ankle, requiring surgery and months of recovery. While I can write many pages on my clear inability to walk straight on any given day, I am opting instead to share the new perspectives I gained as a result of this bizarre slew of injuries I endured.
For most of my life, I was proud of my ability to be a giver. Whether as a mother, teacher, neighbor, sister or friend, I was fortunate to have many opportunities to give. In my mind, to be a leader is to be a giver—and I definitely strived for leadership. This worked out quite well until Broken Ankle No. 1 hit, at which point I was most definitely not a giver. My role had changed instantaneously from giver to taker. No longer was I able to do the most basic daily functions independently and required constant assistance for myself and my family. At first, this experience was quite depressing. I kept thinking about the bracha of being a giver and was distraught that my reality did not allow for this part of me to come to fruition.
Over this time, while sitting and doing nothing (my new favorite activity), I began to think more deeply about giving and taking. I realized that when someone made me a meal and I answered, “Wow! That was so helpful, my family enjoyed it immensely!” I elicited a positive reaction from the person who made the meal. Whereas, if I responded saying, “Oh wow, thanks, it really wasn’t necessary,” the person who made the meal would have a hint of disappointment at my reaction.
I further realized that my response to a fresh-cooked meal was directly correlated to how I felt about myself. If I was feeling badly for myself that day, and sad that I couldn’t be the one taking care of my children, my response would be to push the person away or not appreciate the help. However, if I was having a better day and was feeling more positively about myself, I was able to express that to the person who had helped me. Upon noticing this pattern, I committed to making a mental shift when I was having a bad day. Instead of feeling bad for myself and my challenged reality, I changed my narrative to reflect how grateful I am that I am so loved and so many people have come through to help me.
As the months passed, and my ankles healed, I looked back on this part of my life and realized that while it was an incredibly awful time, it was also life-changing, as it changed my entire perspective on being a giver. I came to the realization that we are all created with the capacity to give and take. Hashem created the world in a way where no one person can be a giver 100% of the time. Everyone will be a taker at some point. We are much more comfortable being able to be a giver, hence the bracha that is so commonly given. However, I challenge you to allow yourself the uncomfortability of being a taker. As we strive to live authentic lives, embracing our limitations and allowing others to do for us, is in many ways harder than being a giver.
In truth, these are fluid terms. On any given day, if you allow yourself, you will find that you are shifting constantly from giver to taker to giver and back again. As Chazal says, “Kol Yisroel arevim zeh lezeh.” We need each other. We can only be the best versions of ourselves if we embrace our authentic selves. And so, I leave you with this bracha, “May you always be able to seamlessly move from giver to taker with the same joy.”
Chana Greenberg is a mother, daughter, sister, friend, morah, and divorcee who lives in Bergenfield with her 4 children. She can be reached at [email protected]
