I always appreciate and enjoy reading Nina Glick’s honest and real articles in The Link including her most recent, “Maybe It’s Time to Go Backwards“ (February 10, 2022), where she expresses her frustration regarding the current dating practices in our communities. I’d like to share a perspective on the topic by going a bit deeper to expose problems that lay beneath the surface.

I believe the need to control what is outside of our control has resulted in the creation of this unnatural system whereby resumes, references and superficiality reign supreme. A parent’s desire to ensure that their child is set up (no pun intended) to find that “perfect” marriage partner to put them on the path to that “great” marriage is misguided and may actually lead to increased difficulty and confusion when searching for a soulmate.

Finding one’s partner requires going beneath the surface where personality, values, chemistry, friendship and intuition merge to lead to a place where the couple says, “We just know.” When we allow the process to naturally unfold, as we used to, without parental intervention, step-by-step protocols and “paperwork,” we may begin to take away the word “crisis” when referring to dating in the Orthodox community. If an adult is not able to carry out this natural process on his/her own, he/she needs to gain the skills, knowledge and self awareness required to go through the dating process in a mature and confident manner. These skills are also foundational in the creation of a strong, loving and joyful marriage.

Another issue contributing to the problems in the dating world is the fact that we spend way too much time and effort worrying about what others think or feel. When an individual listens to their parents, friends, social media and community rather than listening to their own intuition, dating becomes overly confusing and needlessly complicated. Of course I acknowledge that there are instances when it is necessary for someone to point out a red flag or serious concern, and of course, people may need to talk through things and get support, but ultimately the person who is looking to get married needs to take full responsibility.

The system and structure that was created to help individuals find their soulmate may end up providing a false sense of comfort and security. A sense that when everything gets “checked off the list,” the person they were meant to spend the rest of their life with will be right there. This is just not how life works. It is not a job interview/clearance to work at the Pentagon; it is two souls coming together to walk down a path that requires teamwork, love, communication and resolve. Letting go of needing to control, and allowing the dating process to unfold naturally allows for such a better experience for those involved. When we replace superficial nonsense with substantial inner qualities; and when we encourage “listening” to one’s own intuition, the high stress levels associated with dating will decrease. I hope everyone looking for their bashert finds Mr. Right (he may be shorter) or Ms. Right (she may be taller) soon and goes on to have a marriage that is based on the values that led them to find each other in the first place.

Rivka Stern
Teaneck