In the lively and important conversation in The Link about the cost of a day school education (“A Viral Opportunity,” April 24, 2020), the topic of other expenses has come up, namely the expenses of lavish bar/bat mitzvahs and weddings, fancy cars and big houses. It has been suggested by some that we impose communal limits on these expenses. I’ll admit that my children are young and some of these pressures are abstract for me. Still, it seems hard to believe that restricting what people can spend on cars would lead to more money being funnelled into yeshivot. Are people really unable to afford tuition because they feel pressure to have extravagant bar/bat mitzvahs, rather than moderate ones?

There seems to be more of a thematic connection here. There is generally a sense that living a Modern Orthodox lifestyle is extremely expensive, for some prohibitively so. This is felt most acutely with tuition, but is clearly also felt when seeing newly expanded and renovated houses in the neighborhood.

It has been mentioned that this is an issue of tzniut, that people who host opulent smachot are being immodest. I can see the connection, and I don’t think it ends there. Can you imagine our shuls issuing guidelines for what women should or should not wear on their heads, or what color shirts men can wear? It would come across as judgemental and unwelcoming, and rightfully so.

There are some deep issues here: Some of us can afford to pay for schools with every possible bell and whistle, and some of us cannot—who should our schools serve? Will we be willing to make compromises? I would urge people to try to engage with these underlying issues, rather than on what their neighbor has.