Some time ago, during one of our daily conversations, my mother shared with me how she was deeply moved by an article she had just read providing guidance to parents and educators of young people who were struggling to meet their parents’ and community’s religious and academic expectations. The writer prioritized treating the child b’kavod ub’yedidut, with respect and closeness, urging parents and educators to respect that the child truly knows what is right and to understand that their difficult behavior is not so much rebellion as an expression of the child’s deep unhappiness.
Similar guidance was recently shared in the pages of Jewish Action (Spring 2025) by Rav Daniel Kalish of Yeshiva Ateres Shmuel of Waterbury in Durham, Connecticut, an outstanding and dedicated mechaneich (educator) of young men who is a living example of the advice he shares:
“A parent should never lose his belief in the inherent goodness of his child… to believe in the goodness of his child despite the stark differences between them… As parents we need to work on ourselves to perceive this child’s goodness and positive qualities despite the aggravation he or she might cause, often on a daily basis. And then we can start having an impact on him or her. We all make mistakes. The goal for all of us is to have an ayin tova, to see the essential goodness in all people, and especially in our children. And I’m not talking about the child’s potential, but where he or she is now.”
The critical value of patient nurturing is reflected in a remarkable comment of the Midrash in our parsha. As part of the dedication ceremony of the Mishkan, each of the tribal leaders offered a bull, a ram and a sheep. Rashi (Bamidbar 7:21) cites the Midrash associating the bull with Avraham and the meal he offered his angelic guests, the ram with Yitzchak and his replacement at the akeidah, and the sheep with Yaakov and his shepherding for Lavan. This is striking, as we well understand that in the cases of Avraham and Yitzchak the incidents with those animals aptly represented dominant and defining moments— Avraham’s chesed (generosity) and Yizchak’s gevurah (powerful self-control). But what is it about the sheep that is emblematic of Yaakov?
This issue was addressed by the author of Shaarei Orah as follows:
While Avraham and Yitzchak each had a son who continued the family line and one or more who did not, Yaakov was a father of twelve sons who all remained within the fold. What Yaakov brought to the Jewish people was that powerful ability to keep the family together, to never lose a connection with any child, what our Sages consistently referred to as “mitato sheleimah.” In this, Yaakov exhibited the quality of the shepherd who tends and cares for each and every lamb, as highlighted by the beautiful words of the Rambam in describing the ideal Jewish king (Hilchos Melachim 2:6):
He should be gracious and merciful to the small and the great, involving himself in their good and welfare. He should protect the honor of even the humblest of men. When he speaks to the people as a community, he should speak gently, as it states, “Listen my brothers and my people….” Similarly, it states, “If today, you will be a servant to these people….” … He should bear the nation’s difficulties, burdens, complaints, and anger as a nurse carries an infant. The verse (Tehillim 78:71) refers to a king as a shepherd: “to pasture, Jacob, His nation.” The prophets (Yeshayahu 40:11) have described the behavior of a shepherd: “He shall pasture His flock like a shepherd; He shall gather the lambs with His arm and carry them in His bosom.”
As parents, as educators, and as a community, we must be shepherds and tend to each and every one of our children and students with unconditional dedication, ensuring our continued relationship, treating them all with respect and with closeness, b’kavod ub’yedidut and with true understanding.
Rabbi Moshe Hauer is executive vice president of the Orthodox Union (OU), the nation’s largest Orthodox Jewish umbrella organization.
