A friend of mine recently shared how irritated she was with another mom after their kids had a rowdy playdate. “The kids had been fighting, and instead of the mom apologizing, she just shrugged it off with ‘boys will be boys.’” My friend wondered why this mom didn’t intervene and how she could justify aggression using gender stereotypes.
I wasn’t present for the scuffle, but my interest was piqued. The science of sex differences in children and adolescents has fascinated me ever since I became a dad to both a boy and a girl while studying to become a child psychologist. I find that people today often fall into two camps: those who deny scientifically documented differences (usually citing exceptions) and those who recognize these differences but feel uncomfortable discussing them. Unfortunately, when parents, teachers or therapists ignore these sex differences, it can come at a cost.
How might my friend’s reaction have changed if she knew that multiple studies confirm that rough-and-tumble play is vital for brain development in boys? Research indicates that such play stimulates neural circuits related to social competence, emotional regulation and problem-solving. This is just one example of how understanding average gender differences can help us better parent, educate and provide mental healthcare when necessary to boys.
Dr. Leonard Sax, in his book, “Why Gender Matters,” makes an excellent case for how understanding these differences can help us better serve children. I was surprised to learn, for instance, boys generally have less acute hearing than girls, which means a teacher might mistakenly assume a boy in the back of the classroom isn’t paying attention when, in fact, she’s simply speaking at a volume too low for him to hear effectively.
Consider the boy who shows his teacher a pencil drawing of a battle with tanks, planes, and projectiles. “Look at Dalia’s picture,” the teacher says. “See how it has all these details, colors, and pretty trees? Make yours like that.” The boy returns to his seat (or the guidance counselor’s office), thinking he’s not a good artist. But his action-packed, less detailed style isn’t worse—it’s typical in boys’ art. Supporting him within his own style can help keep him engaged in art instead of adopting a self-limiting belief.
Boys also reach key stages of frontal cortex maturation later than girls, which can explain why boys of the same age are, on average, more aggressive, impulsive, and have a harder time sitting still. It’s no surprise that boys are diagnosed with ADHD two to three times more often than girls. One hypothesized contributing factor is that behavioral expectations for children are often modeled after the average behavior typically observed in girls. Boys who are slightly above average in traits like impulsivity or activity level may be incorrectly perceived as pathological.
I emphasize “average differences” because each child is an individual. Some boys dislike rough-and-tumble play, and some girls love it. When data is collected on large populations of children, however, meaningful patterns emerge. Understanding that boys tend to have higher rates of aggression does not excuse behavior that is dangerous or violates others’ boundaries. Instead, it highlights the importance of providing boys with healthy outlets to channel their energy, such as contact sports or martial arts.
Recognizing innate gender differences can also help reduce gender inequality rather than reinforce it. For example, acknowledging that post-pubertal males, on average, have 30-50% more upper body strength, greater bone density, higher cardiovascular capacity, and lower body fat supports the case for sex-segregated sports to ensure fair and equal athletic opportunities.
Taking this message to heart may be more important now than ever. Despite the focus on male privilege, men are experiencing declines in educational attainment, workforce participation, and overall well-being, with rising rates of loneliness and difficulty forming romantic relationships.
In raising and educating our rambunctious boys, the goal should not be to mold them into “good boys” — those who sit quietly and comply without question. Instead, we should aim to nurture boys into becoming good men: men who are not merely well-mannered but courageous, resilient, and driven by purpose. By embracing boys’ natural tendencies and guiding them with wisdom and compassion, we can foster a generation of men who are unafraid to lead, to stand up for others, and to live with authenticity and joy.
Elliot Kaminetzky, Ph.D., is a New York and New Jersey licensed clinical psychologist specializing in child behavioral and anxiety disorders.
