(The author wishes to remain anonymous in case someone gridlocks his/her driveway.)

Teaneck—The County of Bergen and State of New Jersey have decided to survey traffic on the State Street Bridge and will not let area residents know exactly when it will happen. When it does, only one lane at a time will be open. The experts have said that if the history of bridge closings in Bergen County is any indicator, this will most likely take place during peak Shabbos shopping and school bus/carpooling hours, probably for the two weeks before Pesach.

West Englewood restaurateurs have agreed to provide carhops, on and off roller skates, to bring cell-phone orders to trapped vehicles waiting to cross the bridge. Sushi Metsuyan has created a special selection of sushi named MIS SING POINT. Dougies is offering its new RIBBO-NO-MORE OLAM lip-smacking ribs with extra sauce, extra wet naps and an extra bag for garbage. EJ’s will draw mozzarella cheese maps on their pizzas to show motorists alternate routes.

If the weather holds, some shops will set up spontaneous pop-up carts and lemonade stands along the sidewalk to offer quick treats. Area psychologists will patrol the bridge walkways to check for distraught motorists contemplating suicide or murder.  EMTs will be standing by, and plan to pre-park their ambulances on both sides of the tracks—but have no clue as to when closures will occur.

According to anonymous sources, the surprise surveys will take place over a period of weeks, except for Saturdays and Sundays. Pylons should not cost the municipality more than several hundred thousand dollars. Porta Potties will likely not be provided in Windsor Park, adjacent to the railroad tracks. Local residents are warned to go before they leave their homes or wear Depends and bring extra diapers and wipes for the babies.

Since no one knows when the bridge blockage will strike, EMTs suggest laying in a supply of clean water, sandwiches, and baby food in a cooler in your vehicle’s back seat, along with phone chargers and a medical emergency kit. They remind residents to be prepared and on the alert for any contingencies.