Most educators would agree that despite the fact that children spend more waking hours in school than they do at home, a child’s values are predominantly developed in the home. These values are taught through parents’ daily interactions with their children. Children observe us; they hear what we talk about and see how we react. The same can be said for a child’s connection with Hashem. A child will learn a majority of their knowledge about Judaism from the school experience, but the intangibles—the real passion and love for being a Jew—for being an eved Hashem (a servant of God)—come from the Jewish experiences we provide for our children, such as Shabbatot and Yomim Tovim. This is especially relevant when it comes to Pesach, which some commentators describe as the Rosh Hashanah for emunah—the new year for our faith in Hashem. This is not meant to put undue pressure on the seder, but rather to illustrate the potential and opportunity which the seder provides. The seder is built on conversation, and every parent has the chance to share what is most meaningful to them, using the Haggadah text, messages and props of the seder as hooks for those important conversations.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “If you fail to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” This adage applies to all areas of life, but is especially true for the Pesach seder experience. It is incumbent on us as parents to take the time and think of what themes we feel are most apropos for our families. We can choose from so many different themes, like hakarat hatov, hashgacha pratit and resilience, to name a few. When we start with a goal in mind, our seder experience becomes focused and organized around this goal, which, educationally speaking, makes it more likely to achieve success.
Once a theme is chosen, our next job, as leaders of this educational experience for our children, is to go through each of the sections of the Haggadah, focusing on the theme. How will we highlight this theme? Which parts of the Haggadah lend themselves to this theme? For example, if one feels that their family would benefit from more hakarat hatov, one can connect to that theme throughout the seder. At Yachatz, one can discuss how the matzah is broken to symbolize slavery and our eventual freedom, for which we have tremendous hakarat hatov to Hashem. One can share many stories throughout our history where things have worked out, all due to Hashem, all of which lead to a conversation about both hakarat hatov and hashgacha pratit, driving that meaningful message home.
This idea can be emphasized through many parts of Maggid. The expression כל דכפין ייתי ויכול, “whoever is hungry, let him come and eat,” easily brings focus to hakarat hatov. As Rav Soloveitchik taught, we are expressing appreciation not only that our needs are met, but that we have the ability to invite others—that is true freedom. דיינו is another great exercise in hakarat hatov. One way to make this practical is to choose any item in a child’s life and guide the child through a deep dive into the origin of that item, developing a genuine appreciation for it. For example, if one were to ask their child where a can of coke comes from, the child would typically answer, “it came from the store.” Digging deeper, we ask that child how it got to the store, and the child answers that it came from a truck. Further questioning helps direct the child to the factory, to where the can and soda came from, then to the raw materials, which Hashem created. When parents go through this process and explain how the structure of דיינו also gives our appreciation a similar level of depth, we give our children the ability to express gratitude for what they have—something not always intuitive or easy for any of us.
As we embark on this unique and awesome opportunity to help shape our children’s values, it is important for us to invest the time to properly prepare. We need to deliberately plan how we can help ourselves and our children fulfill and experience the famous statement “חייב אדם לראות את ,עצמו כאילו הוא יצא ממצרים” “a person must view himself as though he personally left Egypt.” The רמב׳׳ם, Maimonides, had a different edition in his text, replacing the word “לראות,” “to view,” with “להראות,” “to show.” A person must actively demonstrate to themself that they are personally leaving Egyptian slavery. To provide this experience, it is important to think about who will be at the seder, what their needs are, and what type of experience will inspire them to connect with the values we are trying to instill. For younger children, it may be a more dramatic approach, using props and storytelling, whereas older children can be engaged through asking them questions to provoke more thoughtful conversation.
Within the field of education, it is known that whatever a teacher truly believes and is passionate about will be successfully conveyed to the students in the most powerful way. At the Pesach seder, parents transform into teachers. The Torah tells us that Noach was not successful in getting even a single person from his generation to repent because even he did not have full faith that the flood would come. If we prepare properly and identify that which inspires us and is truly meaningful to us, we can feel confident that the messages and lessons will come across powerfully to our children and will, with God’s help, have an impact on shaping their values in a deep and meaningful way.
Chag Kasher V’Sameach!
Rabbi Yair Menchel is a passionate educator with years of experience, currently serving as the Judaic Studies Principal at Westchester Torah Academy. He hosts The OU’s parenting podcast, The Jews Next Dor, and is a trained parenting coach, mentoring parents and teaching them strategies and skills to help their children thrive. Rabbi Menchel obtained Semicha from YU’s RIETS, has a Masters in Education and Leadership from the Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration, and a certificate in School Management and Leadership from Harvard’s Graduate School of Education.
