We have noted in the past that the Seder night contains a tremendous amount of wisdom regarding chinuch in general. The family-centered character of the Seder is actually built into the evening’s make-up from the outset, stemming from the Torah’s unique mandate of “והגדת לבנך ביום ההוא”, “and you should tell your son on that day.” We are commanded to tell the Exodus story to our children and to future generations.
Precisely because of this unique obligation, the Seder night is structured in a way that helps us accomplish that goal. By delving into the Haggadah’s structure and content we can glean wonderful lessons regarding parenting.
One such lesson can be learned from the very way that the Seder night is constructed. The Mishnah Pesachim 10:4 instructs the encounter between parent and child on the Seder night to take the form of questions/answers: “at this point, the son asks…and the father teaches him according to his level.” Far from being a one-sided lecture, Chazal view the Seder evening as interactive, with the children actively engaged through questioning, and the parents fashioning their responses to suit each child. Specific rituals are also performed throughout the Seder’s “so that the children will ask.”
Chazal’s decision to design the Seder evening in question/answer form is not coincidental; it’s based on the Torah itself. The commandment of Sippur Yetziat Mitzrayim is rooted in many pesukim that describe a child’s queries concerning a particular action or ritual—“and it will be when your son asks you…”—and the proper answer to be relayed to that child. These pesukim veer from the standard style of the Torah to relay the importance of the question/answer dynamic within the parent-child relationship.
Why is there such a focus on questions and answers, specifically on the Seder night? The answer seems obvious, yet crucially important: Pedagogically, the best way to pass on values to the next generation is through genuine interaction and interface. It’s not enough to tell a story or relay a message. We must actively engage our children in order to create an environment of learning.
In general, Judaism encourages questioning. Our forefather, Avraham, and greatest leader, Moshe, repeatedly questioned and challenged God. The entire corpus of Talmud, the foundation of our Oral Law, is written in question/answer form. Rabbi Normal Lamm, in “The Royal Table,” asserts that “let us never be perturbed by questions. They are the characteristic of an alert and intelligent mind.” Not only that, but genuine questions indicate an active interest in the learning process, crucial for real learning to happen.
Our goal on the Seder night, therefore, is for our kids to ask their own questions—and for those questions to be a springboard for relaying the Exodus story in a way that speaks to each child. We therefore do things throughout the evening to spark their curiosity.
Rav Kook, in his Haggadah commentary, suggests that this goal is the reason for the strange order of the Mah Nishtanah questions. If the questions are based on what the kids see from us at the Seder, the order should be the exact opposite! Of the four questions, the first thing they saw us do was lean as we drank the first cup. That was followed by dipping the karpas. We haven’t even gotten to the maror nor started to eat the matzah. So why start by asking about those things?
Rav Kook answers by reminding us that the ultimate goal of the Seder is to get our kids to ask their own questions. The Mah Nishtanah itself is really for the child who doesn’t ask questions himself. Nevertheless, even when we “feed” him questions, we do so in a way that will hopefully spur even him to ask his own questions. We therefore start with a question that is harder for him to ask on his own—about chametz and matzah. Many people eat matzah throughout the year as well, and therefore the distinction between chametz and matzah is more difficult to notice. We pose that question for him, hoping it encourages him to notice other strange things that we are doing. We then ask the remaining Mah Nishtanah questions in order of least to most obvious, hoping that the child will be inspired to ask his own questions.
This raises perhaps the biggest challenge of our contemporary Seders: balancing between familiarity and spontaneity. Our children often prepare for the Seder weeks in advance and know the entire Haggadah by heart. Younger children learn to sing the Mah Nishtanah, and older kids prepare divrei Torah in school. While this familiarity speaks to many years spent around the Pesach table, it may also take away from the evening’s main goal: the sincere, spontaneous Q and A between parent and child meant to be the backbone of the night.
It behooves us, therefore, to reintroduce that element back into the evening. We must prepare for the Seder: Take time to consider each of our children and how we can engage them in meaningful dialogue. Through creativity, we must find ways to involve our kids in the Seder—not simply to recite the Mah Nishtanah or share a dvar Torah—but to become active participants in the discussion. And of course, we should always remember the Seder’s ultimate goal: to apply these techniques toward encouraging our kids to ask questions year-round. That is, after all, the best way for us to pass on those values and ideals that we hold dearest.
Wishing everyone a chag kasher v’sameach!
Rav Yossi Goldin is the menahel tichon at Yeshivas Pe’er HaTorah, rebbe at Midreshet Tehilla, and placement adviser/internship coordinator for the YU/RIETS Kollel. He lives with his family in Shaalvim and can be reached at [email protected].
