I’m Supposed to be Happy, But I’m Crying

“Blessed are you, L-rd our God, King of the Universe, who has granted us life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion.”

This is one of the blessings we recite on the first night of Chanukah and my son Jacob is not with us. God didn’t allow him to reach this joyous occasion. I feel bad for two reasons. First, my son is no longer in this world to light the Chanukah lights with us. Second, Chanukah is a happy time and I don’t feel happy.

What does Chanukah say to me? What happiness can I derive from an ancient historical event that I can no longer share with my son? Is there some message I can take from the Chanukah lights to help me deal with Jacob not being here?

The Deeper Meaning Of Chanukah

There were three commandments the Greeks tried to stop: observing the Sabbath, blessing the new month (Rosh Chodesh) and circumcision. It was the inner meaning of these particular commandments that they couldn’t tolerate. Sabbath observance is a testimony that God is the creator. Blessing the new month is an affirmation that God controls time. Circumcision is a declaration that physical and spiritual are fused together.

What Chanukah Says to Me As a Grieving Mother

My son is gone and I feel I’ll never get him back. So what’s Chanukah saying to me? It’s the message of hope. Light has always been, and still is, a metaphor for hope. The Chanukah lights represent hope. Remembering the three commandments the Greeks tried to destroy, I get a new insight on how I can observe this holiday with happiness.

The Sabbath: Chanukah teaches me that there’s a Creator in Whose hand is every living thing and dictates every event that a person experiences. Whatever caused my son’s heart to stop, it wasn’t some random event. Given the circumstances, it couldn’t have been prevented. As painful as it is to me, it’s what God wanted.

Rosh Chodesh, the new month: It was His will that Jacob was born into this world at a certain time and was taken away at a certain time for a reason that only He knows.

Circumcision: Chanukah tells me that the physical and spiritual are linked together. Jacob’s physical life is over for now, but spiritually he is alive. His spiritual soul and physical body will once again be reunited and this will occur at exactly the time that God wants it to happen.

The lights of Chanukah tell me that Jacob won’t be gone forever. And when that happens, I’m going to give him lots of hugs and kisses.

Chasing Away Darkness With Hope and Acts of Kindness

Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, always said that a small amount of light dispels a lot of darkness. In fact, we don’t even have to fight the darkness to make it go away. All we have to do is make light, and the darkness will go away on its own. Even a small amount of hope can give one strength to carry on when there’s seemingly no end in sight to pain and suffering.

Keeping Hope Alive

Hope is not easy to maintain. It’s so easy to fall into a depression where we feel nothing will ever change. Our rabbis tell us it’s not enough to think good thoughts; we have to do good things as well. There’s an old expression, “practice makes perfect.” Keeping our hope alive is no different.

My local Chabad rabbi, Rabbi Ephraim Simon, says the Hebrew word for hope or faith is emunah. He points out that emunah comes from the root word “uman,” which means a craftsman. Just as a craftsman has to always practice his craft to become more proficient, faith is something we need to practice to strengthen it and ensure it’s not lost. We can accomplish this by doing small acts of kindness each day.

A smile to the mail carrier, saying good morning to the cashier at the checkout, giving a thank you to anyone who helps us—these are small things that have a great effect on others. Giving charity every day is a tremendous thing. Even if it’s only a small coin, one small coin each day adds up to a great amount.

Any act of kindness we do for others, or kind words that we say to others, benefits us, helping to strengthen our faith.

So How Do I Feel About Chanukah Now?

After all these lofty ideas, you may think that I’m OK with Jacob not being here and I’m one happy person. Not so. Chanukah has become happier for me when I think about the real meaning of the holiday and try to put into practice what I’ve learned. But I still think about Jacob every day, and at times I still cry. I have to work on my emunah. Just like the craftsman, I’m still practicing.

Rhonda Roth is a retired technical professional living with her husband in Teaneck, NJ. She currently spends her time as an artist and writes for her website in memory of her son, parentalgrief.com. She hopes that her insights will provide some comfort for parents struggling with child loss.